Gotta start somewhere!

Hi There

I thought of keeping my own diary/journal, but I have decided to blog instead. I think because there has to be someone out there who relates to me at some level. If not I still think I am interesting at some level.

My biggest concern about creating a blog is that I do not know how to write. Ever since I was child I was in every learning disabilty program possible known to man. I was never a good student and my weakest subject ever was English., honestly I was lucky enough to even get a D in that class.

I really didn't want to write a lot in my first blog, but I seem to have a lot to share.

My name is Justin and I hope you will continue to read my journey, because my life seems to be a journey, but so is everyones. I use to post on a forum and discuss light fluffy topics. Sometimes I would even talk about my Aunt Ruth. A few people told me I should write short stories about her. Some of the people told me I was witty. I hope the person who told me that compliment meant it. Because it meant a lot to me and I feel likes its the first real compliment I have ever gotten in my life. I will share my Aunt Ruth stories on the blog after each time I visit Aunt Ruth. I go to dinner with her every about every 2 weeks. She is a riot/ I think when you hear my Aunt Ruth stories you will laugh and cry with me, but if you decide to read my blog on a regular basis. There is a good chance you will laugh, cry, smile, be disappointed in me, be proud of me, be annoyed, be angry, probably every emotion possible. Although, I think some of my post with be about life. I will try to share some funny stories as well. Although today's blog is not all that funny.

Ok a little more about me. I am 28 years old and I am have OCD(obsessive compulsive disorder) I am also gay. This is a huge deal to me, but no one else seems to care that I am. The last 3 years have been better for me. Prior to that my life was a living hell. You really do not want to know the living hell part.

I am a person all about self-doubt, low self esteem, with no real friends and someone who has isolated himself for the last 10 years because he had trouble excepting his sexuality as well as dealing with his OCD and poor self perspective and always caring too much what others think.

So today I began a new chapter of my life. Discussing my life with strangers. In creating this blog. I decided to be brutally honest. I think one thing in my life that has held be back is I have never been able to be honest with myself. I people please, and its only been self destructive.

Today is 10/27/07 and the blogging begins NOW:

Today is Saturday. I decided to spend the weekend with my dad in Penn. Our relationship in the past has been sour, but over the last 3 months we have re-estaablished a relationship. Actually, in an email that I sent to him a few months ago I came "out" to him I knew that he knew I struggled with he issues, but this time I came clean.

For the first time in my life I felt like my dad and I connected when I came "out" to him. I sort of lied in the email to him, when I sent it. I told him its the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. There is some truth in it, but part is bullshit. I am happier now then I have been in the past, but I am truly not happy YET.

Anyway, I am with him at his cabin in Cook Forrest, Pa. He calls it a cabin, but its more like a house. I have never been to Aspen, but it looks like what a house or cabin would be there. I wish I was in a relationship with someone so I could go skiing with them in Colorado. I like to ski.

I see a therapist 3 times a week and before I left today I had an appointment with my doc. My therapist is cool. He is in his mid 40's, with a clean beard and thin build. The only time I feel safe is when I am in his office. I feel same blogging though.

I no longer have much of a relationship with my mother, but about a month ago ended it(dates are aprrox, I have ruminated about the dates from the drive from Cleveland to Penn all 2 and half hours, and music did NOT help) You might understand why later

As you will see in my post. My mind gets stuck around my OCD. Sometimes you will see the OCD in my posts. I actually thinks its been close to 5 weeks since I had the falling out with her, but part of me thinks its approaching the almost 4 week time period. What difference does it make?? Who the FUCK knows, but thats OCD for you.

Anyway, we fought over the phone. By all accounts people I think people think I am nice guy(I have overheard people say it) But that day about 4 weeks ago :-) I got in a fight with my mom over the phone. It lasted an entire weekend. Although, yesterday I called her for the first time to apologize. I still feel guilty about it. I called her every name in the book and then some. I had really had it with her, its hard for me to even realize how CRAZY I sounded. It didn't sound like me and if you didn't know me You would say this kid is off kildare, the thing is I am not. Its hard to describe why I do not like my mom. I think its because she always seems to put me last, she doesn't think I can do anything. she thinks I am still 5. If she could read my bedtime stories she would. But I just turned 28 DAMN IT! In later blogs I will be able to help describe the reason I do not care for my mother. Oops. Maybe I just did.

Although, I said a lot of ROTTEN THINGS to my mother during this fight. The one I have been holding on to like crazy is this one. My dad is a hunter and I told her I was going to borrow his gun and "kill her" The thing is I would never do such a thing. Although, I was enraged with her at the time. I would not act on it. My old doc who I would see every once in awhile was just for medication updates was concerned, he treated me like he was a police officer. My therapist the one I see 3 times a weekk was not concerned at all about me acting on it. Actually, most people I told were not CONCERNED! Most people told me people say a lot of things when they are angry, it does not make it right, and it does not mean you will act on it either. One lady i know said, Justin, give yourself a break already OVER EVERYTHING.

Well getting back to spending time with my dad. I have been unhappy ever since I got here. All I think about what I did to my month a or so ago. So many people have told me to LET IT GO. I am still working on it.

Tonight, we went out to eat. It was okay. I went with my dad and his buddies. They were nice. Since I am so consumed with people's everyword. At dinner as I was ruminating about how I acted toward my mom about a month ago. I became very reserved And standoffish, someof the time, although, I did talk some. I heard the men talking and in front of my face I heard them say "So and so has no personality" Then the whole night became a rumination about me thinking I have no personality. Although, I can not be certain logically thinking it was probably about someone else and not me. They just met me(I have to remind myself everything is not about me) I totally ruined the whole night because I concentrated on something that probably wasn't about me. The thing is I have a lot of personality, but I have been struggling a lot with a lot of my worries fears/worries and obsessions. My biggest fear is people will not think I have a personality.

Perosnalities are important. They make friendships and romances. If I do not have one what good am I and what is the purpose of life("(do not worry. I am not about suicide. I enjoy being a work in progress and figuring myself out So after I became consumed with that I relaxed some, although the fight with my mom was still in the back of my head and more of personality came out. I was worried I was "trying too hard" I guess I am upset because I got home and was angry at myself. I can't even begin to tell you how upset I am with myself. Even though some of my personality came out, I still was not myself. I came across reserved. The true Justin is the life of the party. I haven't been the life of the partY, since I did karaoke at my friend's Bar Mtizvah to sur mix a lot's. "I like big butts"

Well, I am ending the blog for today. I feel a little like Mr. Belveder a little.

I hope you will continue reading my blog, maybe you can relate, maybe you can not. But hopefully you will find me interesting.

Hopefully my future blogs, will not be as long, but I had to introduce myself.

btw... I am a big jogger/runner wanted to throw that in. Not sure why. I could probably could compete if I wanted to.

Stay Tuned(always wanted to say that, will tell you why later)
Justin aka A work in progress.