I was outside running today and I have been struggling quite a bit lately with my OCD/anxiety and my sexuality.
Anyway, I know what these guys did was probably totally random, they were high school looking guys & they opened there window and started *YELLING/SCREAMING* the f'bomb at me as well as other stuff at me, but couldn't make the rest out) My first question to myself why me?? And why did these people have to be such JERKS. I know they probably did not know me since I was wearing a hat and had a few layers of clothing on me. But not totally sure.
Nonetheless, it still hurt my feelings because first of all I don't enjoy the f bomb thrown at me, even if they were trying to be funny and even though they were probably strangers. It just reminded me so much of the teasing that went on in high school and being called a "faggot" & even though I do not think they called me a "faggot" that's all I could think after they started screaming stuff out the window. Even if they did call me a "faggot" I have to keep in my mind it was most likely random.
Its weird because as I was running and as soon as I heard that comment I got light headed, dizzy and literally thought I might faint, after I heard this, It brought all the high school memories back, and I felt like someone stabbed me with a knife.
I see a new doc in the next few weeks who can prescribe medication and hopefully he can help me find some medication to take some of the edge off all the anxiety and OCD I am struggling with.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
12/14/07 Working-Ocd/Depression
I know this is a tad choppy, because I have not updated for a few weeks. But if you read my blog often, you will get where I am coming from.
Hi There:
Well I finished my second week of work, but am still struggling a lot. I hope things get easier. It seems like I am hanging onto everyones words and then I ruminate about it all day. No one knows I ruminate or hang on(i mean coworkers), but me.
I mean most of the people/clients at the nursing home have mild deminta, but some you can barely notice. It seems like I worry what everyone says and I am driving myself crazy. co-workers and patients comments. Like yesterday one of the eldery patients talked about people who are phony. I automatically thought it was about me. So for 6 hours I worried if I was a phony. I guess If I am going to worry for 6 hours if I am a phony, I am probably not.
The thing is if you saw me in action. I seem very happy go lucky, good natured and smile, but I am having a hard time struggling in my own head. Like today 2 of the patients commented about a man at the center who doesn't smile, well I thought to myself there are some male clients, but only one other male staff member. So I assume the not smiling person is me, when it fact I do smile, even one of the ladies husbands mentioned he liked that my smile, and told me to keep smiling and the women who commented on the person who doesn't smile has mentioned in the past that I am a nice guy, cute and sweet(its hard for me to write those words, because I do not know for sure and I discredit some of this because she suffers from demita)
But my OCD overtakes at some level, because I do not like the sound of my voice(I have mentioned this several times here) and even though I am pretty talkative and have a nice personality I keep thinking maybe I do not talk enough and maybe they do not see me smiling or I do not smile or do not smile as much as I could b/c of this(this is the part that really upsets me)
I know I am doing this to myself and I am driving myself insane. I see my doc and we are looking into different meds.
Then I told a few people close to me(relatives/friends) about the smiling worry and they said do you smile at work? and I said yes. I mean they do not see me and work, so its a fair question. But then sometimes I ponder maybe I do not smile enough. One of my relatives, just responded Oy, Justin.
Then I come home and run 7 miles each day, and at this point I am sick of running, but now I am seeing I am almost ill without it, because everytime someone tells me I am cute, I feel like they are enablers, because to me its like saying Justin DO NOT LET YOURSELF GO or get out of shape, because then you will have less appeal.
What is sad about all of this is deep inside I know the client and staff likes me for the most part. And they have made me well aware how much they like me. Like they have said the patients love you, you are wonderful, you are cute etc. But it only counts if certain people at the center say it, if not I dismiss it. But nearly almost everyone has said it, but a few coworkers have not. Also one coworker doesn't seem to care for me. So at lunch I start crying in my car(I know I am pathetic) Another reason I run outside is because sometimes I feel like I get too obsessive(when I really was not) on relatives when I mentioned the smiling bit to them, so I am now consumed people may only like me, because of my appearance and other then they find me annoying. If my appearance fades then I people will not like me at all.
Like if you talked to the people at work and the patients and I mentioned this(which I would never do), they would wonder probably what the hell am I talking about. I think they would see me as kind, nice, someone who laughs and yes smiles.
I need to probably relax, because at the rate crows feet are not far off. As I write this I can almost see the comedy in it, but I am still torturing myself.
I feel like a need a hug, but maybe I will dismss the hugs if they are not from the right people(I am not even sure if I am kidding when I write this)
Justin
Hi There:
Well I finished my second week of work, but am still struggling a lot. I hope things get easier. It seems like I am hanging onto everyones words and then I ruminate about it all day. No one knows I ruminate or hang on(i mean coworkers), but me.
I mean most of the people/clients at the nursing home have mild deminta, but some you can barely notice. It seems like I worry what everyone says and I am driving myself crazy. co-workers and patients comments. Like yesterday one of the eldery patients talked about people who are phony. I automatically thought it was about me. So for 6 hours I worried if I was a phony. I guess If I am going to worry for 6 hours if I am a phony, I am probably not.
The thing is if you saw me in action. I seem very happy go lucky, good natured and smile, but I am having a hard time struggling in my own head. Like today 2 of the patients commented about a man at the center who doesn't smile, well I thought to myself there are some male clients, but only one other male staff member. So I assume the not smiling person is me, when it fact I do smile, even one of the ladies husbands mentioned he liked that my smile, and told me to keep smiling and the women who commented on the person who doesn't smile has mentioned in the past that I am a nice guy, cute and sweet(its hard for me to write those words, because I do not know for sure and I discredit some of this because she suffers from demita)
But my OCD overtakes at some level, because I do not like the sound of my voice(I have mentioned this several times here) and even though I am pretty talkative and have a nice personality I keep thinking maybe I do not talk enough and maybe they do not see me smiling or I do not smile or do not smile as much as I could b/c of this(this is the part that really upsets me)
I know I am doing this to myself and I am driving myself insane. I see my doc and we are looking into different meds.
Then I told a few people close to me(relatives/friends) about the smiling worry and they said do you smile at work? and I said yes. I mean they do not see me and work, so its a fair question. But then sometimes I ponder maybe I do not smile enough. One of my relatives, just responded Oy, Justin.
Then I come home and run 7 miles each day, and at this point I am sick of running, but now I am seeing I am almost ill without it, because everytime someone tells me I am cute, I feel like they are enablers, because to me its like saying Justin DO NOT LET YOURSELF GO or get out of shape, because then you will have less appeal.
What is sad about all of this is deep inside I know the client and staff likes me for the most part. And they have made me well aware how much they like me. Like they have said the patients love you, you are wonderful, you are cute etc. But it only counts if certain people at the center say it, if not I dismiss it. But nearly almost everyone has said it, but a few coworkers have not. Also one coworker doesn't seem to care for me. So at lunch I start crying in my car(I know I am pathetic) Another reason I run outside is because sometimes I feel like I get too obsessive(when I really was not) on relatives when I mentioned the smiling bit to them, so I am now consumed people may only like me, because of my appearance and other then they find me annoying. If my appearance fades then I people will not like me at all.
Like if you talked to the people at work and the patients and I mentioned this(which I would never do), they would wonder probably what the hell am I talking about. I think they would see me as kind, nice, someone who laughs and yes smiles.
I need to probably relax, because at the rate crows feet are not far off. As I write this I can almost see the comedy in it, but I am still torturing myself.
I feel like a need a hug, but maybe I will dismss the hugs if they are not from the right people(I am not even sure if I am kidding when I write this)
Justin
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
11/21/07 Not quite the personality
Hey Guys:
Just a quick blog, because I am not much in the mood to blog. A few weeks ago, my dad and I were talking about careers and what I want to do in the future. My dream as a little kid was always to be a local tv reporter as a 28 year old I want this to be my reality. I know I have only finished a year and half of college, but I can always go back.
A lot of the reason I dropped out was because of depression, ocd and anxiety. And not because I am lazy. As we chatted my dad told me not to go into local television or radio. He said it was WAY too competitive, in some way some of his reasoning is something to consider. He also wants me to be realistic.
Instead, he said when the time is right he would like to help me open/buy a dunkin' donuts. The thing is I have no interest in business or opening a dunkin' donuts. I think this is his what he interested in. He is always looking for projects, since he retired.
In the last few years I have made a ton of progress and I have the right therapist now, who is helping me a ton. Somedays I feel like I am starting and square one, but you have to remember that there will always be some setbacks in progress.
My dad said I have a nice personality, but not the right personality for local tv news. Maybe he is right. But I am spending way too much fantazing about/thinking about it. I should just move ahead if I am really interested.
I have talked to some local tv personalities and from what I gather its VERY TOUGH. But a lot of things in my life have been TOUGH. From what I gather about local radio/local television is a lot of it is has to with being in the right place, at the right time. And knowing the right people.
The United States his huge, aand there are tons of small local tv markets to start in.
My dad said to me when we were having this talk about being a local tv reporter, he said "C'mon Justin, what do you really know about being a reporter??". In truth, Not much. But I can learn if I get back in school. My question for him(although, I did not ask) is what do I know about opening a Dunkin' Donuts??. I know nothing about the food industry and how to run it or a business. I guess I could learn, but my dad likes business. And Dunkin' seems like his dream, not mine.
My dad told me recently that most of the world does not have the luxury to be analytical, this is probably true. But since he retired, he sure seems to have a lot of time to be analytical of me.
Lately, I have been a little bit more phobic then usual. My therapist said today I am spending a little too much time with my dad, I concur. He said I was doing better when I wasn't talking to him as much. I am not going to stop, just keep remembering that some distance is okay.
Stay close
Justin
Just a quick blog, because I am not much in the mood to blog. A few weeks ago, my dad and I were talking about careers and what I want to do in the future. My dream as a little kid was always to be a local tv reporter as a 28 year old I want this to be my reality. I know I have only finished a year and half of college, but I can always go back.
A lot of the reason I dropped out was because of depression, ocd and anxiety. And not because I am lazy. As we chatted my dad told me not to go into local television or radio. He said it was WAY too competitive, in some way some of his reasoning is something to consider. He also wants me to be realistic.
Instead, he said when the time is right he would like to help me open/buy a dunkin' donuts. The thing is I have no interest in business or opening a dunkin' donuts. I think this is his what he interested in. He is always looking for projects, since he retired.
In the last few years I have made a ton of progress and I have the right therapist now, who is helping me a ton. Somedays I feel like I am starting and square one, but you have to remember that there will always be some setbacks in progress.
My dad said I have a nice personality, but not the right personality for local tv news. Maybe he is right. But I am spending way too much fantazing about/thinking about it. I should just move ahead if I am really interested.
I have talked to some local tv personalities and from what I gather its VERY TOUGH. But a lot of things in my life have been TOUGH. From what I gather about local radio/local television is a lot of it is has to with being in the right place, at the right time. And knowing the right people.
The United States his huge, aand there are tons of small local tv markets to start in.
My dad said to me when we were having this talk about being a local tv reporter, he said "C'mon Justin, what do you really know about being a reporter??". In truth, Not much. But I can learn if I get back in school. My question for him(although, I did not ask) is what do I know about opening a Dunkin' Donuts??. I know nothing about the food industry and how to run it or a business. I guess I could learn, but my dad likes business. And Dunkin' seems like his dream, not mine.
My dad told me recently that most of the world does not have the luxury to be analytical, this is probably true. But since he retired, he sure seems to have a lot of time to be analytical of me.
Lately, I have been a little bit more phobic then usual. My therapist said today I am spending a little too much time with my dad, I concur. He said I was doing better when I wasn't talking to him as much. I am not going to stop, just keep remembering that some distance is okay.
Stay close
Justin
Sunday, November 18, 2007
11/18/07 "MY FACE"
Hey Guys:
Yesterday, My dad called me and asked me if I would help him with a favor. I told him no problem.
Then most of the day I spent with him. He took me to lunch and we actually had a good time. At lunch he was actually very supportive for the most part and he said Justin, you are my current work-in-progress, I think he understands my struggles and told me its just taking me a little longer to get where I want to be, but eventually I will get there, and have the last laugh. I think he is right.
I realize I torture myself about everything and do need to, but still do anyways. I think part of the reason I do is because even though I was hospitalized over 3+ years I have set up my own stigma that I always have to have some sort of OCD and be constantly worrying. When I do not worry I panic. Most people just panic when they worry.
I guess one thing I am worried/obsessing about and one thing I am starting to panic about is after some intense talking about life and jobs early in the week with my father. I have been starting to question myself about everything. I mean everything.
I think my dad sometimes forgets my life is just that, my life. He wants to create my interest, hobbies, personality, career, ettituqte(he corrects everyone this, but he would be the first person to give you a dutch oven) So in return, I keep asking myself questions. I am an avid runner/jogger. Now I keep debating if the time that I go running would be a suitable time that my dad would like?? I just created a myspace page, and I emailed one of the lesser known courtroom judges(David Young) & also asked him to be my friend. His personality is a little snarky, so I emailed him and told him I like his snarky style, & added a smiley face. I keep thinking would my dad think its suitable, because I guess calling someone snarky could be a little mean spirited, but Judge Judy is quite snarky :-)
I have been talking to my therapist about this and we were talking about being assertive and how important it is.
I dunno. I am getting worried. My obsession about worrying that everyone is going to scream at me, is coming back. I went into my therapy session yesterday and told my therapist how earlier in the session I wanted to ask him for a kleenex, but told him I would not, because I thought he might might yell at me. When I told him this, he was even taken aback. I could tell he was empathic, but he was like "what?" Sometimes I am frightened to say hello to someone or ask them what time it is, because I think they may yell/scream.
Sometimes I wonder how I am able to to run 7 days a week, usually 7 miles a day. I am starting to get it now. I always have a plate of anxiety in me, it really does not go away when I run. Sadly, I am somewhat vain, I feel like if my appearance fades, no one will have any interest in me. In truth, I do not share my OCD with friends much & I know and my personality is more of a strong point then my appearance.
I keep trying to create a "perfect personality" but I keep failing. Wonder why??(No such thing) I am what I am. I friend of mine said Martha Stewart seems PERFECT. I said really?? She has been to jail, she is difficult, and had a failed marriage(even if it wasn't her fault) So she makes a great stawberry shortcake who gives a FUCK??
I think its okay to go with the flow, like if a bunch of friends want to go see a movie you do not want to go to, but I seem to agree with people on things that is an okay to a different opinion on. Like opinions. I REALLY need to work on this.
I also have talked a little to my doc about this, but I have something that I call "risdual OCD" my therapist asked me if this is aactual term, I said I do not know. I will explain later how it affects me.
On a funny note, I sent my dad my, my space page. When I saw him later in the day he told me he thought it was cool. Probably because I put him as my hero.
But as he was talking to me about my space. He kept referring into as MYFACE in a serious tone(roll eyes)
2 and 2
Justin
Yesterday, My dad called me and asked me if I would help him with a favor. I told him no problem.
Then most of the day I spent with him. He took me to lunch and we actually had a good time. At lunch he was actually very supportive for the most part and he said Justin, you are my current work-in-progress, I think he understands my struggles and told me its just taking me a little longer to get where I want to be, but eventually I will get there, and have the last laugh. I think he is right.
I realize I torture myself about everything and do need to, but still do anyways. I think part of the reason I do is because even though I was hospitalized over 3+ years I have set up my own stigma that I always have to have some sort of OCD and be constantly worrying. When I do not worry I panic. Most people just panic when they worry.
I guess one thing I am worried/obsessing about and one thing I am starting to panic about is after some intense talking about life and jobs early in the week with my father. I have been starting to question myself about everything. I mean everything.
I think my dad sometimes forgets my life is just that, my life. He wants to create my interest, hobbies, personality, career, ettituqte(he corrects everyone this, but he would be the first person to give you a dutch oven) So in return, I keep asking myself questions. I am an avid runner/jogger. Now I keep debating if the time that I go running would be a suitable time that my dad would like?? I just created a myspace page, and I emailed one of the lesser known courtroom judges(David Young) & also asked him to be my friend. His personality is a little snarky, so I emailed him and told him I like his snarky style, & added a smiley face. I keep thinking would my dad think its suitable, because I guess calling someone snarky could be a little mean spirited, but Judge Judy is quite snarky :-)
I have been talking to my therapist about this and we were talking about being assertive and how important it is.
I dunno. I am getting worried. My obsession about worrying that everyone is going to scream at me, is coming back. I went into my therapy session yesterday and told my therapist how earlier in the session I wanted to ask him for a kleenex, but told him I would not, because I thought he might might yell at me. When I told him this, he was even taken aback. I could tell he was empathic, but he was like "what?" Sometimes I am frightened to say hello to someone or ask them what time it is, because I think they may yell/scream.
Sometimes I wonder how I am able to to run 7 days a week, usually 7 miles a day. I am starting to get it now. I always have a plate of anxiety in me, it really does not go away when I run. Sadly, I am somewhat vain, I feel like if my appearance fades, no one will have any interest in me. In truth, I do not share my OCD with friends much & I know and my personality is more of a strong point then my appearance.
I keep trying to create a "perfect personality" but I keep failing. Wonder why??(No such thing) I am what I am. I friend of mine said Martha Stewart seems PERFECT. I said really?? She has been to jail, she is difficult, and had a failed marriage(even if it wasn't her fault) So she makes a great stawberry shortcake who gives a FUCK??
I think its okay to go with the flow, like if a bunch of friends want to go see a movie you do not want to go to, but I seem to agree with people on things that is an okay to a different opinion on. Like opinions. I REALLY need to work on this.
I also have talked a little to my doc about this, but I have something that I call "risdual OCD" my therapist asked me if this is aactual term, I said I do not know. I will explain later how it affects me.
On a funny note, I sent my dad my, my space page. When I saw him later in the day he told me he thought it was cool. Probably because I put him as my hero.
But as he was talking to me about my space. He kept referring into as MYFACE in a serious tone(roll eyes)
2 and 2
Justin
Friday, November 16, 2007
11/16/07 Sometimes you have to SCREW OCD......
and join the freakin' party!
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=61173259
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=61173259
Photos I want to share. 11/16/07
Highlight the link. Press control c, and then v
Here is a recent pic of me
http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s14/kx1979/002.jpg
Here a picture of my 2 cats. Meiko and Quienten. I volunteered at an animal shelter for about 2 years. Meiko I have had for about 6 years. Quienten I picked up at the shelter.
http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s14/kx1979/005.jpg
Meiko has a bit of a vampire tooth in the pic.
http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s14/kx1979/001.jpg
Quienten
Here is a recent pic of me
http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s14/kx1979/002.jpg
Here a picture of my 2 cats. Meiko and Quienten. I volunteered at an animal shelter for about 2 years. Meiko I have had for about 6 years. Quienten I picked up at the shelter.
http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s14/kx1979/005.jpg
Meiko has a bit of a vampire tooth in the pic.
http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s14/kx1979/001.jpg
Quienten
11/16/07 Back by popular demand
Hi Guys:
I stopped blogging for awhile because I didn't think anyone was really reading it, but I got a great email and I thought I should keep at it. I probably will not blog everyday, because writing is difficult for me(a lot has to do with my OCD)
Anyway, I have only been talking to my dad for about 4+ months and now I kind of know why I stopped talking to the guy in the first place. He is IMPOSSIBLE, but in many ways I am just like him.
Well, anyway, yesterday he was helping me fill out job applications and we did it over the phone. I now realize I can do this myself. I didn't talk to my dad for about 1.5 years and for about 4 months of that time period I would not talk to anyone. Because I thought everyone was going to scream at me. My dad is a big SCREAMER. As I talked to him yesterday and I filled out the applications with him over the phone. He was correcting everything I was saying. I swear to God, every freakin sentence he would cut me off. I am still frazzled by this today and still worry I might not be able to talk to people like I did for that 4 month time period.
We were filling out an application to Borders, he said Justin, I do not think you can get a job there. He has told me before I am unable to work at Borders. He said you need to be well read. I said I kind of am. He said I do not think you could.
I emailed him before about the Borders thing, because I thought he was implying that I was not smart. He said it has nothing to do with that. So yesterday, I honestly am not sure if he told me I was not stupid, but I asked him can I not get this job, because I am stupid. NOW HE WAS YELLING. I NEVER SAID YOU WERE FREAKIN' STUPID. Then my OCD kicked in, because I took the word NOT out and said again, you think I am STUPID???? His reply you are NOT F-U-C-K-I-N-G stupid. Thanks dad, now I feel better :)
Then he helped me fill out some applications for some airlines to become a FA. I dress neatly, he said Justin, I am NOT PICKING on you, but if you want this job, those shoes have to be TIED. After the convseration ended he said Justin, I think you should get a job at a radio station. A few weeks ago he had a 2 hour discussion with me, how I should stay away from local tv and local radio. His reasoning was actually good, but now I am confused.
I swear this conversation took place. I once recently driving with my dad, and he told me in the car that some people are FUCKED up and do not know, he said he is FUCKED UP, but at least he knows it. That gave me some kind of relief. He also told me he is a bit of a maniac. I love the guy, he is just difficult.
I am kind odd like him. Recently I wrote him an email and here is what I wrote.
My email
Hey:
You are right it does look there are snow clouds out. But its not cold enough to snow. Hope hunting went well.
I want to give a special thanks to your sperm and you good genes. God, you produced one handsome child.
His response:
Justin,
I'm sorry to tell you that I'm not your father. I revealed this to Eric several years ago but had been waiting for the right time to tell you. Now is the time. Your real father is Mr. Jingleling. Your mother really liked his Christmas show. I guess she had a rendezvous with him on Halle's 7th floor. (I'm not sure if you are old enough to remember all this.) I guess he was sorta of a handsome guy. But, Justin, I still love you as if you were my own flesh and blood. Don't forget that.
"Dad"
I told him about the joke and said some people thought it was odd, but I thought it was funny. I called my mom about this since I have not talk to her in a wild. She said your father is weird, you were consamted in VEGAS.
Anyway, I was wondering if anyone here watched "The Daily Buzz" its a syndicated morning show in about 40% of the country. Its a great pick me up to get your morning started
2 and 2
Justin
I stopped blogging for awhile because I didn't think anyone was really reading it, but I got a great email and I thought I should keep at it. I probably will not blog everyday, because writing is difficult for me(a lot has to do with my OCD)
Anyway, I have only been talking to my dad for about 4+ months and now I kind of know why I stopped talking to the guy in the first place. He is IMPOSSIBLE, but in many ways I am just like him.
Well, anyway, yesterday he was helping me fill out job applications and we did it over the phone. I now realize I can do this myself. I didn't talk to my dad for about 1.5 years and for about 4 months of that time period I would not talk to anyone. Because I thought everyone was going to scream at me. My dad is a big SCREAMER. As I talked to him yesterday and I filled out the applications with him over the phone. He was correcting everything I was saying. I swear to God, every freakin sentence he would cut me off. I am still frazzled by this today and still worry I might not be able to talk to people like I did for that 4 month time period.
We were filling out an application to Borders, he said Justin, I do not think you can get a job there. He has told me before I am unable to work at Borders. He said you need to be well read. I said I kind of am. He said I do not think you could.
I emailed him before about the Borders thing, because I thought he was implying that I was not smart. He said it has nothing to do with that. So yesterday, I honestly am not sure if he told me I was not stupid, but I asked him can I not get this job, because I am stupid. NOW HE WAS YELLING. I NEVER SAID YOU WERE FREAKIN' STUPID. Then my OCD kicked in, because I took the word NOT out and said again, you think I am STUPID???? His reply you are NOT F-U-C-K-I-N-G stupid. Thanks dad, now I feel better :)
Then he helped me fill out some applications for some airlines to become a FA. I dress neatly, he said Justin, I am NOT PICKING on you, but if you want this job, those shoes have to be TIED. After the convseration ended he said Justin, I think you should get a job at a radio station. A few weeks ago he had a 2 hour discussion with me, how I should stay away from local tv and local radio. His reasoning was actually good, but now I am confused.
I swear this conversation took place. I once recently driving with my dad, and he told me in the car that some people are FUCKED up and do not know, he said he is FUCKED UP, but at least he knows it. That gave me some kind of relief. He also told me he is a bit of a maniac. I love the guy, he is just difficult.
I am kind odd like him. Recently I wrote him an email and here is what I wrote.
My email
Hey:
You are right it does look there are snow clouds out. But its not cold enough to snow. Hope hunting went well.
I want to give a special thanks to your sperm and you good genes. God, you produced one handsome child.
His response:
Justin,
I'm sorry to tell you that I'm not your father. I revealed this to Eric several years ago but had been waiting for the right time to tell you. Now is the time. Your real father is Mr. Jingleling. Your mother really liked his Christmas show. I guess she had a rendezvous with him on Halle's 7th floor. (I'm not sure if you are old enough to remember all this.) I guess he was sorta of a handsome guy. But, Justin, I still love you as if you were my own flesh and blood. Don't forget that.
"Dad"
I told him about the joke and said some people thought it was odd, but I thought it was funny. I called my mom about this since I have not talk to her in a wild. She said your father is weird, you were consamted in VEGAS.
Anyway, I was wondering if anyone here watched "The Daily Buzz" its a syndicated morning show in about 40% of the country. Its a great pick me up to get your morning started
2 and 2
Justin
Friday, November 2, 2007
11/02/07 Having a bad day
Hi There:
I am having a hard time. It hard for me to write when my writing obsessions bother me.
Today I took my sedation medication around 11am and slept close to 4pm. While I usually take it around 7 pm(when I go to bed) The last week I have been taking it around 3 or 4 pm, so I can go to sleep. It takes me out of my misery. While I do not feel as though I am addicted to the medication. I need to be careful. I will probably take it tonight again at the normal time.
My worry about my voice sounding gay bothers me every single second of every day(It TRULY leaves me agoraphobic at times) Its driving me nuts, sometimes sleep is the only peace I get. I do realize that part of it is pure obsession the other part is the struggle I am having excepting I am a gay man.
I talked to my dad today. He is 60 today. I wished him a Happy Birthday. On a sad note, his girlfriend was hit by a SEMI(yes, a semi). Thankfully, she was not injured(just minor scratches). Her car was totaled though. She could of been killed. I find the whole accident upsetting. It just made me realize that life is short. While I was talking to my dad, I discussed with him how I feel like I need a different SSRI, because lately nothing seems to be helping. He went into this whole thing how I should not be diagnosing myself(I wasn't) and how I should not being taking these kind of medications. He said they "dull" you out. I realized talking to him about medication, is not smart because it makes me more depressed. When he said the word "dull" I remember when I went out to dinner with him and his buddies about a week ago and they were talking about somebody who has no personality(When he said the word "dull" today, I kept thinking it was me they were talking about. Maybe I am just being paranoid)
I feel like I could use a big hug today. Just like I felt like Greg Louganis could use one after reading his autobiography. I feel like crying.
I know the hardest person someone is on is usually themselves. I think part of the reason I sedate myself, is because years ago I bothered people a lot about my voice obsession. Now when I tell people about it(If I even do) I do up in a much more mature & appropiate way and am not annoying about it. I still feel like I am a burden on people with my voice obsession That is why I sedate.
Sometimes I think I need to give myself a break.
Lost, lonely and and frustrated.
Justin
I am having a hard time. It hard for me to write when my writing obsessions bother me.
Today I took my sedation medication around 11am and slept close to 4pm. While I usually take it around 7 pm(when I go to bed) The last week I have been taking it around 3 or 4 pm, so I can go to sleep. It takes me out of my misery. While I do not feel as though I am addicted to the medication. I need to be careful. I will probably take it tonight again at the normal time.
My worry about my voice sounding gay bothers me every single second of every day(It TRULY leaves me agoraphobic at times) Its driving me nuts, sometimes sleep is the only peace I get. I do realize that part of it is pure obsession the other part is the struggle I am having excepting I am a gay man.
I talked to my dad today. He is 60 today. I wished him a Happy Birthday. On a sad note, his girlfriend was hit by a SEMI(yes, a semi). Thankfully, she was not injured(just minor scratches). Her car was totaled though. She could of been killed. I find the whole accident upsetting. It just made me realize that life is short. While I was talking to my dad, I discussed with him how I feel like I need a different SSRI, because lately nothing seems to be helping. He went into this whole thing how I should not be diagnosing myself(I wasn't) and how I should not being taking these kind of medications. He said they "dull" you out. I realized talking to him about medication, is not smart because it makes me more depressed. When he said the word "dull" I remember when I went out to dinner with him and his buddies about a week ago and they were talking about somebody who has no personality(When he said the word "dull" today, I kept thinking it was me they were talking about. Maybe I am just being paranoid)
I feel like I could use a big hug today. Just like I felt like Greg Louganis could use one after reading his autobiography. I feel like crying.
I know the hardest person someone is on is usually themselves. I think part of the reason I sedate myself, is because years ago I bothered people a lot about my voice obsession. Now when I tell people about it(If I even do) I do up in a much more mature & appropiate way and am not annoying about it. I still feel like I am a burden on people with my voice obsession That is why I sedate.
Sometimes I think I need to give myself a break.
Lost, lonely and and frustrated.
Justin
Thursday, November 1, 2007
11/01/07 Another good story
(I will spell check later, too lazy right now)
Hey There:
I have another good story for you guys, but before I get to it. Let me first tell you a little about my day, yesterday. I took my sleeping meds around 3pm and slept to 5am. I feel refreshed, but I can tell I am avoiding a good part of my day by doing this.
This past spring and over the summer I had a job babysitting for a family. I finally quit because the kids behavior was too out of control for me. Anyway, as I was out running about a week ago the lady who I was use to sit for honked at me. I waved. I then called her and told her that from time to time I think about the kids. As bad as they were I do sort of miss them. On the message I also stated I wouldn't mind babysitting from time to time, but I do not think I could handle it on a regular basis. She called me back and told me the kids miss me as well, and she would be more then happy to have me be back. Who wouldn't ;) Who else is going to watch the rugrats anyway? I actually remember when I quit. She was crying, I am not sure if she was crying because she just lost a babysitter or because she genuinely thought she lost a good caretaker for her kids. I would like to think the latter. Who knows, who cares? I am just glad to be back and I am sure she is as well. The money is nice to.
Okay, on to the funny story when I was at Mclean's hospital in Boston, we did a thing for OCD called exposure-reponse(prevention) therapy its suppose to decenaztize yourself to certain thoughts. Well, since I have been struggling with my sexuality so much. I decided to buy some gay publications, and put them outside my apartment door. Buying the magazine was a little hard at first, but even that I got decentaize to. I remember one day though when I was at Borders, buying them. The clerk was driving me nuts. He kept saying to you want a Borders reward card??, Do you drink coffee?? because you get a free coffee with the purchase, are you a school teacher?, because they get a discount. I just wanted to say shut the fuck up and let me buy the magazine already. Then when I bought it he flipped through and put a borders bookmark in. Sheesh!
Anyway, back to the story, the clerk story is good as well. It would of been funnier if you were standing next to me though. There is a lot of traffic by my apartment door, because most people have to pass my apartment to get to there apartment.
Well, since buying the gay magazineS EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM has been taken. I usually left "out" outside, I think once I left the "Advocate" and one other time I left one I do not remember the title. It was pretty risque and I remember turning through the pages and them making me slightly horny, it was also $9.00. YIKES!
Here are my assumptions why the magazines has been taken. I could be right and I could be wrong. There are curious people in my building(Straight or gay), people who clean the apartment complex think I am done with it, so they just throw it away, someone could be thinking someone is playing a trick on me, so they remove or maybe there are a few homophobes in my complex. I really dunno. One time when it was NOT taken it was turned upside down. Othertimes I became frustrated and wrote a note to do not remove magazine. It was STILL taken. Another time when I was frustrated I wrote a note, "Justin, thanks for letting me borrow the magazine. Todd" I wake up the next morning and the magazine is still there, but I thought who the FUCK is Todd??
I wonder if "out" has any idea, while there sales have gone up so much in the last month.
Anyway, I have decided not to leave any more gay publications outside my door. I now keep one in the back of my car, near the window. Now its pretty much visible to anyone who is behind me.
I see my therapist today. Thank God. I am like counting down the hours. I am proud of myself. I have not called him in 3 days. I think this is the first time I have not done this starting with him in several months. Maybe its because I started this blog, and I get to dump all my feelings on you :)
Back in 2 and 2(Gotta love Chuck)
Justin
(When I end each blog. I use a catch phrases from tv. Since I have been a little boy I have always wanted to be a local tv reporter. I do not want to be a an actor or celebrity. I want to be a local tv reporter. There are a lot of reasons why, and I think for all the right reasons. I have the personality, It would boost my self confidence, I love tv news, I like people, I like telling stories, I like being active in the community, but most importantly I am compassionate and able to present empathy and sympathy when its appropatie. I have told people about what I want to do, but everyone responds with its way to competitve. All I know is I cry daily about this, I guess because its something I want it so badly. And its not a WHA-WHA cry either)
Hey There:
I have another good story for you guys, but before I get to it. Let me first tell you a little about my day, yesterday. I took my sleeping meds around 3pm and slept to 5am. I feel refreshed, but I can tell I am avoiding a good part of my day by doing this.
This past spring and over the summer I had a job babysitting for a family. I finally quit because the kids behavior was too out of control for me. Anyway, as I was out running about a week ago the lady who I was use to sit for honked at me. I waved. I then called her and told her that from time to time I think about the kids. As bad as they were I do sort of miss them. On the message I also stated I wouldn't mind babysitting from time to time, but I do not think I could handle it on a regular basis. She called me back and told me the kids miss me as well, and she would be more then happy to have me be back. Who wouldn't ;) Who else is going to watch the rugrats anyway? I actually remember when I quit. She was crying, I am not sure if she was crying because she just lost a babysitter or because she genuinely thought she lost a good caretaker for her kids. I would like to think the latter. Who knows, who cares? I am just glad to be back and I am sure she is as well. The money is nice to.
Okay, on to the funny story when I was at Mclean's hospital in Boston, we did a thing for OCD called exposure-reponse(prevention) therapy its suppose to decenaztize yourself to certain thoughts. Well, since I have been struggling with my sexuality so much. I decided to buy some gay publications, and put them outside my apartment door. Buying the magazine was a little hard at first, but even that I got decentaize to. I remember one day though when I was at Borders, buying them. The clerk was driving me nuts. He kept saying to you want a Borders reward card??, Do you drink coffee?? because you get a free coffee with the purchase, are you a school teacher?, because they get a discount. I just wanted to say shut the fuck up and let me buy the magazine already. Then when I bought it he flipped through and put a borders bookmark in. Sheesh!
Anyway, back to the story, the clerk story is good as well. It would of been funnier if you were standing next to me though. There is a lot of traffic by my apartment door, because most people have to pass my apartment to get to there apartment.
Well, since buying the gay magazineS EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM has been taken. I usually left "out" outside, I think once I left the "Advocate" and one other time I left one I do not remember the title. It was pretty risque and I remember turning through the pages and them making me slightly horny, it was also $9.00. YIKES!
Here are my assumptions why the magazines has been taken. I could be right and I could be wrong. There are curious people in my building(Straight or gay), people who clean the apartment complex think I am done with it, so they just throw it away, someone could be thinking someone is playing a trick on me, so they remove or maybe there are a few homophobes in my complex. I really dunno. One time when it was NOT taken it was turned upside down. Othertimes I became frustrated and wrote a note to do not remove magazine. It was STILL taken. Another time when I was frustrated I wrote a note, "Justin, thanks for letting me borrow the magazine. Todd" I wake up the next morning and the magazine is still there, but I thought who the FUCK is Todd??
I wonder if "out" has any idea, while there sales have gone up so much in the last month.
Anyway, I have decided not to leave any more gay publications outside my door. I now keep one in the back of my car, near the window. Now its pretty much visible to anyone who is behind me.
I see my therapist today. Thank God. I am like counting down the hours. I am proud of myself. I have not called him in 3 days. I think this is the first time I have not done this starting with him in several months. Maybe its because I started this blog, and I get to dump all my feelings on you :)
Back in 2 and 2(Gotta love Chuck)
Justin
(When I end each blog. I use a catch phrases from tv. Since I have been a little boy I have always wanted to be a local tv reporter. I do not want to be a an actor or celebrity. I want to be a local tv reporter. There are a lot of reasons why, and I think for all the right reasons. I have the personality, It would boost my self confidence, I love tv news, I like people, I like telling stories, I like being active in the community, but most importantly I am compassionate and able to present empathy and sympathy when its appropatie. I have told people about what I want to do, but everyone responds with its way to competitve. All I know is I cry daily about this, I guess because its something I want it so badly. And its not a WHA-WHA cry either)
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Happy Hallowen 10/31/07
Well I just wanted to start by wishing everyone a Happy Halloween. I actually went to a Halloween party while I was visiting my dad. While I did not dress up, other people did. The theme was pirates, so that's what most people dressed up as. It was pretty cute! The lady who ran the party kept saying to we have any butt-pirates here??(ha-ha)
When I first started my blog I said I wanted to be candid and honest. Well, right now I am going to be candid and open about my sex life.
Well to be honest I do not have much of a sex life. It could be described in about 6 seconds. A large reason is because I am not active in many things and do not meet a lot of new people. This has got to change.
I had myself on match.com for about 6 months. My match account did not have a whole lot of activity. While I did talk to some people via email(and still do) I only went on a couple of dates from match. I thought it was just me who wasn't getting many responses, but i have talked to others and there accounts were not that active either.
I sometimes hate how you will hear celebrities say they were ugly ducklings growing up or even how they do not like how they look now. Maybe for some its true, but its seems almost a cliche thing for celebrities to say. Its hard for me to write this, but I consider my good looking. I think its tough to write this was for years, I suffered with bdd(its on the spectrum of OCD) It was REALLY BAD. I would get my mail every few days, when I would drive I would hold my face over my hand. I was just disgusted with the way I look. It took some time, but I have really worked on this area of my life and am now confident in my appearance. I think what helped was when I ran outside, I would parade around half nekkid(not really. Just wearing skimpy shorts and no shirt) Sure, the bdd bothers me here and there, but NOTHING like it use to.
LIKE I SAID BEFORE OCD, SHOULD BE CALLED MADONNA, BECAUSE IT KEEPS REINVENTING ITSELF.
Well, now I would like to talk about the dates I went on. The first one I went on was about a week after I signed up on match. The guy was nice, but he was little to effeminate for me. I guess I am lonely, because I was coming on to him, but he didn't seem interested. I told him I would be in contact with him soon after, but I never did. In truth, even though he had no interest in me. I had no interest in him either and when I told him I was going to be in contact with him, that was a lie.
The other date I went on was a few weeks ago. I actually emailed the guy about 2 months ago and he never responded. I then emailed him back a few weeks ago to see if he was still interested. He reponded and then we talked a little though instant message. When we first started iming I was out of town. He said when you come back in town do you just want to come to my hotel room, hang out and eat dinner there?? He was staying in Cleveland for business. At first, I cancelled the date, because I felt like he might be interested in just one thing. I didn't tell him that, I just said we are 2 different people. People with OCD tend to read into things. I thought maybe I was reading into things a little too much?? Maybe he was just interested in getting take out and eating back at his hotel room(C'mon Justin, you are not the naive or maybe I am), so I changed my mind and decided to meet him.
Well, when in DOUBT, always listen to Oprah. Oprah always said if you just have a hunch that something may be a bad idea do not go into IT. I should listen to Oprah more.
Anyway, we went to a place and got carry out. We brought it back to the hotel room and we messed around. One thing I am learning is you do not have to sleep/mess around with every person you meet. My sexual experiences before this guy have only been a few and I think part of me was curious, the other part of me was lonely.
Although, I was more then willing to mess around. I do felt like he initiated it and he seemed more interested then I was. Let's just say I was mechincal. The other thing though I was not attracted him. People are not always honest about there appearance on match, although I was. I told him one thing I was worried about meeting him was that I told him I was a little worried about my appearance. When he met me. He said you are 10x better looking then I am. I dunno, if he was just saying that or jsut trying to be nice. And while I am not in his head. I kept thinking I am probably 10x more insecure then him.
I have met one or 2 other people not off match and I also fooled around with them. I was really only attracted to one of them. The one I was attracted I still messed around for all the wrong reasons. It happened 6 years and I met him an AOL chat room. I learned my lesson 6 years ago, and stopped going to chat rooms then. The other guy I met was a total trainwreck And the incident(notice how I called it an incident) that happened with him was fairly recent as well. I met him through a mutual friend. I will be discussing him in future blogs. I thought I had issues. Wait till you hear about this tool. His behavior was downright scary. Again, I still went on a second date with him. Doesn't Oprah say never let them take you to the second location??
After meeting the guy on Match(the one I messed around, with a few weeks ago) I came home and started to obsess about aids/hiv. While we did not do anything high risk. And I truly have nothing to really worry about. My OCD is toying with me about this issue. I do need to be more careful when it comes to other situations in the future. Thank God for bad experiences, because you learn a lot from them. I also need to learn that you should sleep with someone you truly like and have a connection with. Not just someone who is there.
I think I read this on the net awhile ago, but I remember reading somewhere how someone once thought that doing certain sexual acts, may cause your voice to change pitches. As I left my house this morning and thought about it I started worry/obsess that because I did certain sexual acts, my voice with now become effeminate. I guess its my OCD just having a good ol' time.
I have since myself off of match and looking to sporting leagues, like Front Runners were the quality of people is much better.
Stay Tuned
Justin!
When I first started my blog I said I wanted to be candid and honest. Well, right now I am going to be candid and open about my sex life.
Well to be honest I do not have much of a sex life. It could be described in about 6 seconds. A large reason is because I am not active in many things and do not meet a lot of new people. This has got to change.
I had myself on match.com for about 6 months. My match account did not have a whole lot of activity. While I did talk to some people via email(and still do) I only went on a couple of dates from match. I thought it was just me who wasn't getting many responses, but i have talked to others and there accounts were not that active either.
I sometimes hate how you will hear celebrities say they were ugly ducklings growing up or even how they do not like how they look now. Maybe for some its true, but its seems almost a cliche thing for celebrities to say. Its hard for me to write this, but I consider my good looking. I think its tough to write this was for years, I suffered with bdd(its on the spectrum of OCD) It was REALLY BAD. I would get my mail every few days, when I would drive I would hold my face over my hand. I was just disgusted with the way I look. It took some time, but I have really worked on this area of my life and am now confident in my appearance. I think what helped was when I ran outside, I would parade around half nekkid(not really. Just wearing skimpy shorts and no shirt) Sure, the bdd bothers me here and there, but NOTHING like it use to.
LIKE I SAID BEFORE OCD, SHOULD BE CALLED MADONNA, BECAUSE IT KEEPS REINVENTING ITSELF.
Well, now I would like to talk about the dates I went on. The first one I went on was about a week after I signed up on match. The guy was nice, but he was little to effeminate for me. I guess I am lonely, because I was coming on to him, but he didn't seem interested. I told him I would be in contact with him soon after, but I never did. In truth, even though he had no interest in me. I had no interest in him either and when I told him I was going to be in contact with him, that was a lie.
The other date I went on was a few weeks ago. I actually emailed the guy about 2 months ago and he never responded. I then emailed him back a few weeks ago to see if he was still interested. He reponded and then we talked a little though instant message. When we first started iming I was out of town. He said when you come back in town do you just want to come to my hotel room, hang out and eat dinner there?? He was staying in Cleveland for business. At first, I cancelled the date, because I felt like he might be interested in just one thing. I didn't tell him that, I just said we are 2 different people. People with OCD tend to read into things. I thought maybe I was reading into things a little too much?? Maybe he was just interested in getting take out and eating back at his hotel room(C'mon Justin, you are not the naive or maybe I am), so I changed my mind and decided to meet him.
Well, when in DOUBT, always listen to Oprah. Oprah always said if you just have a hunch that something may be a bad idea do not go into IT. I should listen to Oprah more.
Anyway, we went to a place and got carry out. We brought it back to the hotel room and we messed around. One thing I am learning is you do not have to sleep/mess around with every person you meet. My sexual experiences before this guy have only been a few and I think part of me was curious, the other part of me was lonely.
Although, I was more then willing to mess around. I do felt like he initiated it and he seemed more interested then I was. Let's just say I was mechincal. The other thing though I was not attracted him. People are not always honest about there appearance on match, although I was. I told him one thing I was worried about meeting him was that I told him I was a little worried about my appearance. When he met me. He said you are 10x better looking then I am. I dunno, if he was just saying that or jsut trying to be nice. And while I am not in his head. I kept thinking I am probably 10x more insecure then him.
I have met one or 2 other people not off match and I also fooled around with them. I was really only attracted to one of them. The one I was attracted I still messed around for all the wrong reasons. It happened 6 years and I met him an AOL chat room. I learned my lesson 6 years ago, and stopped going to chat rooms then. The other guy I met was a total trainwreck And the incident(notice how I called it an incident) that happened with him was fairly recent as well. I met him through a mutual friend. I will be discussing him in future blogs. I thought I had issues. Wait till you hear about this tool. His behavior was downright scary. Again, I still went on a second date with him. Doesn't Oprah say never let them take you to the second location??
After meeting the guy on Match(the one I messed around, with a few weeks ago) I came home and started to obsess about aids/hiv. While we did not do anything high risk. And I truly have nothing to really worry about. My OCD is toying with me about this issue. I do need to be more careful when it comes to other situations in the future. Thank God for bad experiences, because you learn a lot from them. I also need to learn that you should sleep with someone you truly like and have a connection with. Not just someone who is there.
I think I read this on the net awhile ago, but I remember reading somewhere how someone once thought that doing certain sexual acts, may cause your voice to change pitches. As I left my house this morning and thought about it I started worry/obsess that because I did certain sexual acts, my voice with now become effeminate. I guess its my OCD just having a good ol' time.
I have since myself off of match and looking to sporting leagues, like Front Runners were the quality of people is much better.
Stay Tuned
Justin!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
10/30/07
Well, I am going to watch a little tv and then hit the sack. So I am really not going to blog tonight.
See ya back tomorrow
Stay Tuned
Justin!
See ya back tomorrow
Stay Tuned
Justin!
Blogging a little early tody 10/30/07
I have decided to blog a little early today. I was a little worried if I blog now. I should not blog tonight. I thought maybe people will not be interested in me or they think I am venting too much. Then I thought about it. No one is forced to read this blog. People choose to.
I have a friend lets call her "Jackie" before I was hopsitalized 3 years ago at Mclean and when I was having a million problems. She was the only person that stood around. She is probably my biggest cheerleader. But she even blocked me from emailing her and iming at one point, because she could not even take it. I would tell her every single thing that was bothering me. I guess I have grown because I have realized everyone has there own shit. Everyone has struggles and everyone has baggage.
I was surprised(happy surprised) because the blog got about 20 hits yesterday. The # of people who come to my blog is not imporant. I HONESTLY do not think I would feel any different if 20 people came or 2 million came. Its just nice to have some cheerleaders.
Today I went to the grocery store. I dread going to the grocery store. I try not to eat a lot at home, so I will not have to go very often. I guess the social anxiety of going out in public at all is hard for me. I am not saying I do not go out and socalize in general, just when I do its very hard and draining. I do not know why, but the grocery store is especially challenging for me.
As I was at the grocery store. Some of m OCD started to bother me(what's new?) I thought about when the onset of my worrying about my voice sounding gay started to bother me. It was when I was 16 years old and a kid in Spanish class teased me. His name was Mitch. I remember he mocked my voice. I think I have known since I was little guy I was gay. But I think Mitch just brought it to my attention.
I remember that he then started to really bully me. I remember walking down the hall. And remember him mouthing, Faggot, homo, gay. I remember I would avoid going down certain halls and actually walk outside to avoid the asshole.
After he teased me. I was so worried about people worrying that I was gay. I would go around asking tons of people. I would say do you think, my voice sounds gay, do you think I am gay??. Its not the kind of thing you really want to do in High School. After awhile people really picked up on it, and then everyone started calling me gay slurs. That shit hurts.
I recently was on a gay forum and talking about this. I posted how I was running/jogging past my old high school and Mitch came into my mind and I got really worked up. I finished the 7 miles, in about 47 minutes. I ran on anger and frustration. But someone pointed something out something that made a lot of sense, they said you are being silly to let someone from high school get to you so much. He said to me do me a favor. Run past your high school tomorrow and bury Mitch's sorry ass in the schoolyard. I have been able to run past the high school again. But still struggling to bury Mitch's sorry ass. Working on it though :-)
I do not care for Dr. Phil(doesn't mean I do not watch though ;-), but I remember seeing an episode a few years ago. It was about a lady who was called slut, whore, tramp in high school, because she got pregnant in high school. On the show she confronted the bully. The lady wasted 20 years of her life being angry at the woman who teased her. The woman who teased her came on. You never know what is going through someones head, but she said she really didn't remember her teasing very much or at all. She apologized to the woman, and she seemed genuinely sorry.
Its probably cliche to say, but other people can not be responsible for your happiness or unhappiness or any other feeling you have. You have to be. I am still letting Mitch control me some and I doubt Mitch even remembers who I am. He wasn't even in the same grade, he was younger. He probably has a nice live. While I am stuck.
I think to be good at anything it takes work. I am good runner, and can easily run 7 miles a day. When I first started running I could not run half a mile. I think what also makes me a good runner is although I probably have some natural ability. I am able to run on anger, frustration and OCD. I guess I have to keep working on the other stuff though. I am a great catch and have a lot to offer someone. I just need to stay strong.
Kind of funny, but when I was at my therapist office a few weeks ago as soon as I left the doc called me "kiddo" I said jokingly to him did you just call me Kiddo?? He was like "Yeah??"
I left that day feeling really happy, because I can tell my therapist likes me. He even calls me when I do not see him to check up on me. There has been times where he has gone 1 hour and 30 minutes with me in a session. Thank God I have a good shrink. I go 3 times a week, but eventually I think I would like to go down to twice a week.
I have to work on not calling him when things are bothering me. I feel like I am always calling him. Sometimes you just need to work things out yourself. But the guy always calls me back. Not like 5 hours later, like within the hour.
You know the Toledo sotry I blogged about earlier today. Well I found some sweat pants we bought when I was thre for that week. I have decided to ebay them off and give all the money to the Matthew Shephard Foundation. I have bought stuff from Matthew's site before. Matthew is a name that should not be forgotten
Here is the auction. I am a little nutty. But who isn't? http://cgi.ebay.com/TAXI-RIDE-HOME-FROM-COLLEGE-SWEATPANTS-WE-BOUGHT-THERE_W0QQitemZ190168479043QQihZ009QQcategoryZ1469QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
I do have a quick question and anyone is welcome to answer it. When it says on my proifle how many people have viewed me, is that how many people have looked at my profile or my blog??
Stay Close
Justin
I have a friend lets call her "Jackie" before I was hopsitalized 3 years ago at Mclean and when I was having a million problems. She was the only person that stood around. She is probably my biggest cheerleader. But she even blocked me from emailing her and iming at one point, because she could not even take it. I would tell her every single thing that was bothering me. I guess I have grown because I have realized everyone has there own shit. Everyone has struggles and everyone has baggage.
I was surprised(happy surprised) because the blog got about 20 hits yesterday. The # of people who come to my blog is not imporant. I HONESTLY do not think I would feel any different if 20 people came or 2 million came. Its just nice to have some cheerleaders.
Today I went to the grocery store. I dread going to the grocery store. I try not to eat a lot at home, so I will not have to go very often. I guess the social anxiety of going out in public at all is hard for me. I am not saying I do not go out and socalize in general, just when I do its very hard and draining. I do not know why, but the grocery store is especially challenging for me.
As I was at the grocery store. Some of m OCD started to bother me(what's new?) I thought about when the onset of my worrying about my voice sounding gay started to bother me. It was when I was 16 years old and a kid in Spanish class teased me. His name was Mitch. I remember he mocked my voice. I think I have known since I was little guy I was gay. But I think Mitch just brought it to my attention.
I remember that he then started to really bully me. I remember walking down the hall. And remember him mouthing, Faggot, homo, gay. I remember I would avoid going down certain halls and actually walk outside to avoid the asshole.
After he teased me. I was so worried about people worrying that I was gay. I would go around asking tons of people. I would say do you think, my voice sounds gay, do you think I am gay??. Its not the kind of thing you really want to do in High School. After awhile people really picked up on it, and then everyone started calling me gay slurs. That shit hurts.
I recently was on a gay forum and talking about this. I posted how I was running/jogging past my old high school and Mitch came into my mind and I got really worked up. I finished the 7 miles, in about 47 minutes. I ran on anger and frustration. But someone pointed something out something that made a lot of sense, they said you are being silly to let someone from high school get to you so much. He said to me do me a favor. Run past your high school tomorrow and bury Mitch's sorry ass in the schoolyard. I have been able to run past the high school again. But still struggling to bury Mitch's sorry ass. Working on it though :-)
I do not care for Dr. Phil(doesn't mean I do not watch though ;-), but I remember seeing an episode a few years ago. It was about a lady who was called slut, whore, tramp in high school, because she got pregnant in high school. On the show she confronted the bully. The lady wasted 20 years of her life being angry at the woman who teased her. The woman who teased her came on. You never know what is going through someones head, but she said she really didn't remember her teasing very much or at all. She apologized to the woman, and she seemed genuinely sorry.
Its probably cliche to say, but other people can not be responsible for your happiness or unhappiness or any other feeling you have. You have to be. I am still letting Mitch control me some and I doubt Mitch even remembers who I am. He wasn't even in the same grade, he was younger. He probably has a nice live. While I am stuck.
I think to be good at anything it takes work. I am good runner, and can easily run 7 miles a day. When I first started running I could not run half a mile. I think what also makes me a good runner is although I probably have some natural ability. I am able to run on anger, frustration and OCD. I guess I have to keep working on the other stuff though. I am a great catch and have a lot to offer someone. I just need to stay strong.
Kind of funny, but when I was at my therapist office a few weeks ago as soon as I left the doc called me "kiddo" I said jokingly to him did you just call me Kiddo?? He was like "Yeah??"
I left that day feeling really happy, because I can tell my therapist likes me. He even calls me when I do not see him to check up on me. There has been times where he has gone 1 hour and 30 minutes with me in a session. Thank God I have a good shrink. I go 3 times a week, but eventually I think I would like to go down to twice a week.
I have to work on not calling him when things are bothering me. I feel like I am always calling him. Sometimes you just need to work things out yourself. But the guy always calls me back. Not like 5 hours later, like within the hour.
You know the Toledo sotry I blogged about earlier today. Well I found some sweat pants we bought when I was thre for that week. I have decided to ebay them off and give all the money to the Matthew Shephard Foundation. I have bought stuff from Matthew's site before. Matthew is a name that should not be forgotten
Here is the auction. I am a little nutty. But who isn't? http://cgi.ebay.com/TAXI-RIDE-HOME-FROM-COLLEGE-SWEATPANTS-WE-BOUGHT-THERE_W0QQitemZ190168479043QQihZ009QQcategoryZ1469QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
I do have a quick question and anyone is welcome to answer it. When it says on my proifle how many people have viewed me, is that how many people have looked at my profile or my blog??
Stay Close
Justin
10/30/07 Funny story
I will update my regular blog tonight, but since no one really makes my mornings. I wanted to share a funny story that happened to me about 10 years ago. 10 years ago it was not funny, but looking at it now it is. And everyone loves this story. When you have as many afflictions as I do you need to laugh at things, if you do not you will just cry(I do that a lot to)
After barely graduating high school. I went off to the University of Toledo. I never wanted to go to go to college, but its something that about 95% of the people in my class did, so I went it. I knew it was a mistake from the moment I left.
I was there for about a week and I hated it. My OCD was bothering me like crazy and like in my last post my voice obsession has been in place for 14 years. Well when I went to Toledo it was only my sophmore year into my voice obsessio, so it will was still pretty bad. Plus dealing with my sexuality made things tough.
Well after 1 week. I called my rents to have them pick me up. My mom said no way, so I called my dad, he said no way stick it out. One thing about me is I do not jump through hoops.
So my next logical move was to get the phone book and call a taxi company. Hmm. Well, I got a hold of one and I asked them how far east they go?? They said as far as you want. I do not think they were thinking Cleveland. I said how about Cleveland. There was a dead silence on the phone. They said, okay. PERFECT!
I said when you can be here? They said in about 30 minutes. I thought excellent. I packed all that I could back in my laundry bag(hot much) got in the Taxi and I asked her to take me to Cleveland.
I sort of felt bad for the Taxi driver, because she really did not know how to to get to Cleveland I really was not sure either. We finally made it though. As I got out of the taxi, I told her good luck to you. She said, no good luck to you, she said you will need it. She was right and I still need it.
After this incident we had to go back to Toledo to get my computer and most of my stuff. When we walked back to my dorm my roommate was in bed with his girlfriend. After this incident, my mother did not talk to me for 3 months. Can't say I blame her on this one.
Looking back on this story and having told it a million times. I neeedFAQ page. Many people asked why not take a greyhound?? Why not fly?? I dunno. At the time I needed to do one what I needed to do. I jsut wanted to be home. And feel safe.
Another FAQ. How much was the Taxi ride home?? Remember this was 10 years ago. It was $250 dollars. I am scared to think what it would be today.
Will blog later tonight about my day
Stay close
Justin
After barely graduating high school. I went off to the University of Toledo. I never wanted to go to go to college, but its something that about 95% of the people in my class did, so I went it. I knew it was a mistake from the moment I left.
I was there for about a week and I hated it. My OCD was bothering me like crazy and like in my last post my voice obsession has been in place for 14 years. Well when I went to Toledo it was only my sophmore year into my voice obsessio, so it will was still pretty bad. Plus dealing with my sexuality made things tough.
Well after 1 week. I called my rents to have them pick me up. My mom said no way, so I called my dad, he said no way stick it out. One thing about me is I do not jump through hoops.
So my next logical move was to get the phone book and call a taxi company. Hmm. Well, I got a hold of one and I asked them how far east they go?? They said as far as you want. I do not think they were thinking Cleveland. I said how about Cleveland. There was a dead silence on the phone. They said, okay. PERFECT!
I said when you can be here? They said in about 30 minutes. I thought excellent. I packed all that I could back in my laundry bag(hot much) got in the Taxi and I asked her to take me to Cleveland.
I sort of felt bad for the Taxi driver, because she really did not know how to to get to Cleveland I really was not sure either. We finally made it though. As I got out of the taxi, I told her good luck to you. She said, no good luck to you, she said you will need it. She was right and I still need it.
After this incident we had to go back to Toledo to get my computer and most of my stuff. When we walked back to my dorm my roommate was in bed with his girlfriend. After this incident, my mother did not talk to me for 3 months. Can't say I blame her on this one.
Looking back on this story and having told it a million times. I neeedFAQ page. Many people asked why not take a greyhound?? Why not fly?? I dunno. At the time I needed to do one what I needed to do. I jsut wanted to be home. And feel safe.
Another FAQ. How much was the Taxi ride home?? Remember this was 10 years ago. It was $250 dollars. I am scared to think what it would be today.
Will blog later tonight about my day
Stay close
Justin
Monday, October 29, 2007
10/29/07 Frustrated
Hi There:
Before I post today I have to say that some of my other OCD symptoms have resurged quite a bit today. I guess the whole trip with my dad caused me a lot of anxiety & when my anxiety increasess my OCD flares.
Lately, I have been moody NOT with other people, but rather with myself. I went to Mclean hopsital for my OCD a little over 3 years ago. Even though I am million times before then I was, I still struggle a ton. OCD is tiring, annoying and draining.
Anyway, before I left my dad's cabin today. I tripped over my gym bag this morning. I am a bit of a Kluts anyway. I usually never have physical pain, just lots of mental pain. I have to be honest, my shoulder kills me right now, but when I hit the floor today, athough I was in physical pain, just for a second I was able to get my mind off my mental obsessions. Then I got a late start from my dad's cabin(my fault) Then I was late to my therapist office. 30 minutes LATE. He is a nice guy and let me stay and extra 15. So I got about 40 minutes in total.
One thing that has annoyed me about my OCD since I got back from Mcleans have been the strategies and techniques that I learned there. I understand all about erp/cbt, but what we also learned there, is sometimes you have to sit with the thought and kind of let it hang out. I have always found that these method contradict each other and it frustrates me to no end.
Like I use to obsess quite often where commas and periods go when writing. This doesn't bother me all that much anymore. But once in awhile it does. Today it does. Actually for about 2 years, I never even wrote anything on paper, because I was so fearful of writing. Now I let the writing thought come in and just kind of let it hang out. I continue writing, and it still bothers me, but it eventually dies down some. Its more like its in the back of head kind of feeling. If I follow the Mclean rule of thought I should write a paragraph and make tons of punctuation mistakes and it should desensitize me some to the fear. Its not just with writing. I do this with a thought of stuff, I am always questioning if I am handling my OCD properly. So I guess I obsess about obsessing. I know the OCD disorder is the disorder of doubt, but I feel like its doing a double whammy on me. Its playing on the techniques and strategies that are suppose to make me better(sigh)
For me, excepting that I am gay is very difficult. For a long time I was trying to avoid it. Avoidance is a bad thing when it comes to OCD. So for the last 14 years I have obsessed about my voice sounding effeminate or sterotypically gay. Instead of dealing with my sexuality head on. Now that I am dealing with my sexuality head on the voice obsession STILL bothers me, but not as much as it use to. If fyou heard my voice, you would probably laugh, because it sounds anything but effeminate, it actually sounds very masculine and I have been told it sounds radiosh, yet I am still consumed it with it sounding effeminate. In my early 20's I literally became a MUTE. The only people I would talk to would be my mother and father and I mean that was really if I had to. I am not like that anymore and able to talk freely, but there are times I probably limit my communication with others when the voice obsession bothers me . I have tried in many ways not give this thought POWER, but I keep thinking it sounds sterotypically gay or effeminate. Yet after 14 years, it still hanging in there. Somedays this thought is just BRUTAL and plays 24-7
Its about 5:30pm here and although I am not addicted to sedation medication. I sometimes take them around this time. I can usually sleep for a good 12 hours after taking them. Frankly, I understand why people deal with pain by doing drugs and drinking. Sometimes you just want to deaden it.
I know this sounds sad and I am glad I am young, but the only time I am happy is when I am sleeping, reading or running. Every other part of my day is just a total headache.
I have been checking my blog and I know it takes awhile for people to start looking at them, but I think since I started I have maybe gotten 10 hits.
Could someone just a comment or 2, so I do not feel like I am writing to nobody.
Writing what I jus wrote was very hard. Not because I was talking about my issues, but because of the period, commas, and other things that come into play when writing.
I guess I am also grouchy, because I didn't have time to run today, I didn't shower this morning. And I have not shaved.
I believe in God, but sometimes I am frustrated with him. Sometimes I think he gave me good looks, because he gave me poor mental health.
Good night
Justin
Before I post today I have to say that some of my other OCD symptoms have resurged quite a bit today. I guess the whole trip with my dad caused me a lot of anxiety & when my anxiety increasess my OCD flares.
Lately, I have been moody NOT with other people, but rather with myself. I went to Mclean hopsital for my OCD a little over 3 years ago. Even though I am million times before then I was, I still struggle a ton. OCD is tiring, annoying and draining.
Anyway, before I left my dad's cabin today. I tripped over my gym bag this morning. I am a bit of a Kluts anyway. I usually never have physical pain, just lots of mental pain. I have to be honest, my shoulder kills me right now, but when I hit the floor today, athough I was in physical pain, just for a second I was able to get my mind off my mental obsessions. Then I got a late start from my dad's cabin(my fault) Then I was late to my therapist office. 30 minutes LATE. He is a nice guy and let me stay and extra 15. So I got about 40 minutes in total.
One thing that has annoyed me about my OCD since I got back from Mcleans have been the strategies and techniques that I learned there. I understand all about erp/cbt, but what we also learned there, is sometimes you have to sit with the thought and kind of let it hang out. I have always found that these method contradict each other and it frustrates me to no end.
Like I use to obsess quite often where commas and periods go when writing. This doesn't bother me all that much anymore. But once in awhile it does. Today it does. Actually for about 2 years, I never even wrote anything on paper, because I was so fearful of writing. Now I let the writing thought come in and just kind of let it hang out. I continue writing, and it still bothers me, but it eventually dies down some. Its more like its in the back of head kind of feeling. If I follow the Mclean rule of thought I should write a paragraph and make tons of punctuation mistakes and it should desensitize me some to the fear. Its not just with writing. I do this with a thought of stuff, I am always questioning if I am handling my OCD properly. So I guess I obsess about obsessing. I know the OCD disorder is the disorder of doubt, but I feel like its doing a double whammy on me. Its playing on the techniques and strategies that are suppose to make me better(sigh)
For me, excepting that I am gay is very difficult. For a long time I was trying to avoid it. Avoidance is a bad thing when it comes to OCD. So for the last 14 years I have obsessed about my voice sounding effeminate or sterotypically gay. Instead of dealing with my sexuality head on. Now that I am dealing with my sexuality head on the voice obsession STILL bothers me, but not as much as it use to. If fyou heard my voice, you would probably laugh, because it sounds anything but effeminate, it actually sounds very masculine and I have been told it sounds radiosh, yet I am still consumed it with it sounding effeminate. In my early 20's I literally became a MUTE. The only people I would talk to would be my mother and father and I mean that was really if I had to. I am not like that anymore and able to talk freely, but there are times I probably limit my communication with others when the voice obsession bothers me . I have tried in many ways not give this thought POWER, but I keep thinking it sounds sterotypically gay or effeminate. Yet after 14 years, it still hanging in there. Somedays this thought is just BRUTAL and plays 24-7
Its about 5:30pm here and although I am not addicted to sedation medication. I sometimes take them around this time. I can usually sleep for a good 12 hours after taking them. Frankly, I understand why people deal with pain by doing drugs and drinking. Sometimes you just want to deaden it.
I know this sounds sad and I am glad I am young, but the only time I am happy is when I am sleeping, reading or running. Every other part of my day is just a total headache.
I have been checking my blog and I know it takes awhile for people to start looking at them, but I think since I started I have maybe gotten 10 hits.
Could someone just a comment or 2, so I do not feel like I am writing to nobody.
Writing what I jus wrote was very hard. Not because I was talking about my issues, but because of the period, commas, and other things that come into play when writing.
I guess I am also grouchy, because I didn't have time to run today, I didn't shower this morning. And I have not shaved.
I believe in God, but sometimes I am frustrated with him. Sometimes I think he gave me good looks, because he gave me poor mental health.
Good night
Justin
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Sunday 10/28/07
Hey guys:
I thought about my post from yesterday and realized how choppy it was. I apologize. I guess when you are starting a blog and you have a lot to say you sometime start in the middle.
I still think some of my post will stilll be choppy because when you are talking about your life not everything is in order.
Anyway, today is Sunday and I am still at my dad's cabin. I leave tomorrow morning and head back to Cleveland. I am going back to his cabin in about a week, for his 60th birthday. There are going to be tons of people here.
Today, I started my day with a 7 mile run. Somedays I run 10 miles. It is one of the few breaks I get from the OCD that tortures my head. Even when running it still bothers me some. I have always thought OCD was like Madonna, it keeps finding ways to reinvent itself. Today as I was running. I was ruminating again about the incident that happened with my mother. I kept thinking has it been 3 weeks since I was being cruel to her or was it 5 weeks. I think I know which one its closer to, but I decide to keep beating myself up about it. I guess I forget that I apologized, realized I goofed up, and how I have been talking to my therapist constantly how I could of handled it better. See some people would of fogiven and moved on after something like this after a couple of days and keep living there life. I get stuck in a guilt induced coma. I STOP living. My behavior becomes a pattern of existing
I talked my therapist about this, and I told him I do read into thing too much into things in general. But not always. When I called my mom a few days ago and left a sincere apology on her machine. She called me back later that day. I thought the first thing she would say on the machine was, I accept your apology. Instead, she asked me how my cats were doing. As I was trying to tell me therapist what happened with the call. I told him I am trying to be as honest as possible, but I do not think she ever asked me how I was doing. I remember she asked me how my cats were doing?? I said fine. Then she later asked me what was new. I believe when I told my doc this, I said asking me what was new is kind of like asking me how I am doing. I believe he said no, it really is not. I later told her I was looking for a job at a catering center. She said yeah, that would be good for me part time. Uusally, this would of made me angry, because I know my mother well enough that she thinks I can not handle a full time job. She is just alking about herself. I just responded full time mom. Usually her response would of been you have to be in contact with the disabilty office to see how much you can work. My mother gives jewish mothers, a bad name. I later asked her if she forgave me about the apologize, during the middle of the conversation. To me her response was "yes" it just seems like the most important thing to me in the convseration, didn't see important to her as much as I thought it should of has been. Part of me thinks she wants me to feel guilty about this for my whole life. My mom has a way of reminding me of every rotten thing I have ever done. And like her father, she holds GRUDGES.
When I told my mom I was gay in the past, her response was "oh" and the next thing out of her of her mouth was did you get your oil change. She just does NOT get it. Nobody is home.
She once told me her father has never forgivien me for being mean to her in the PAST. Truly, I am not a rotten person and I truly have never done anything that terrible that is unforgiveable
I think what is sad is I do not let myself realize that my mother is not incident in her role in this. My mom has done a lot of hurtful things to me over the years. I guess I am not in the mood to write much now. But my grandfather her father is the kind of guy who is bitter at the world. He seems to have something against everyone. Especially his own grandson. Growing up I have probably talked back to him here and there, nothing terrible. He was always mean, and even though I was a child and some with see it being disrespectful, I didn't appreciate being talk down to. And boy can he talk down. It wasn't until a couple of years ago until I told him what a rotten person I thought he was. I wasn't invited to there house the last couple thanksgiving, because about 4 or 5 years ago I wrote them a note telling them what I thought of them. I do not regret writing the letter. Everything I said about him and my grandmother is true. I remember visiting him when I was young. He always scared me. I remember peeing in my pants when I once went to his house to visit them. I guess it bothers me my mom NEVER stood up for me against him, but she said THEY ARE HER PARENTS, but I am her son. Where do I come in?? I am glad I see my therapist tomorrow to talk more about my mom. Maybe I need to focus on more why I am angry with her rather then beating myself up. But I need to take some responsbility for the way I acted toward her. I am pretty sure my shrink recently told me I am not going to change her, but I can change how I react to her. I have been doing this some and will continue to as I have a very LIMITED relationship with her.
Although I have had fallouts with my mother before. What I learned from her 1 month ago was I realized, she is really not going to change. And realize I am not going to have the mother I always wanted. I also have to keep remember I can't her, but how I react to her. I try to think of her as an annoying coworker.
Back to the day with my dad at the cabin. After running he took me hunting. I was bored out of my mind, but my dad enjoys it. Its where he shoots at these plastic balls. I have actually done some shooting, but never hunting. I could not shoot an animal. Although, my dad is a hunter its not everyday you find a jewish hunter. Sometimes if I wonder if my dad likes it or since he has taken early retirement, he is trying new things. Actually, I don't think its either. Although, my dad is almost 60. I do not think he has never really fit in anywhere. So he just wants to be a part of something. Kinda like me.
That's all for now. I am going to dinner with Aunt Ruth later this week, but this is an email I sent her recently. I am not going to edit it, this is exactly what I wrote. Great Aunt Ruth is my biggest cheerleader.
Before you read it, I just want to say thank you for reading my blog.
Stay tuned, and see ya tomorrow
Justin
Here it is:
Hi Aunt Ruth:
I know you like to talk over the phone to say things, but there is just some things I just feel better saying through email. I just want to tell you whether its going out to dinner with you or spending time at your apartment for the jewish holiday. I can't even explain to you how much I enjoy your company. Actually as soon as I got home I emailed my Dad and told him what a great time I had with you.
Sure, I kid around to him about you, but its only in an affectionate way. I TRULY think the world of you. Sometimes I am depressed, or sad, but whenever I am around you my worries go away and I am always happy. I use to go a forum where people would have light conservation and talk about life. I would always talk about my dinners with you on the forum. I would share the funny things that might happen at dinner or even the serious things. People would say things to me like, boy Auth Ruth sounds like a special person. Or others would say everyone could learn a lesson or to from her. Its the truth, you have a lot of good wisdom.
You know I once wrote on a forum when you talked about Howie Mandel and you said he has what I have "OCD" and you said look how successful he can be, you said I can do it to.. When I shared the story someone actually emailed me and they said they said they were really touched by that exchange we had. The person said they actually teared up a little.
I think you know how much I think of you. If you didn't you know now. I talk about you a lot. To my dad, the people at the animal shelter, when I was there, to friends, and to people I don't even know on the internet.
I still think you have quite a few good years left, but as I got in the car tonight and drove home. I started to cry a little. I thought I can't imagine NOT having you around and going out to dinner with every couple of weeks. My biggest regret in life would be if you leave this earth, and don't seem become the success that I will eventually become.
You know I don't go around telling people I am gay, I mention it here and there just so I feel more comfortable and less suffocated, but you were actually the first relative I really told that I could totally confide in. I am I am glad I did.
You know people can buy my gifts for my birthday and it doesn't mean it a whole lot to me. When I go out to dinner with you. I feel like everyday is my birthday.
Another thing I like about you is you always like the bit of an underdog. Maybe that's why Jimmy has always been your favorite. Can you move Jimmy to #2. I want to be your favorite .;-)
Love
Justin
I thought about my post from yesterday and realized how choppy it was. I apologize. I guess when you are starting a blog and you have a lot to say you sometime start in the middle.
I still think some of my post will stilll be choppy because when you are talking about your life not everything is in order.
Anyway, today is Sunday and I am still at my dad's cabin. I leave tomorrow morning and head back to Cleveland. I am going back to his cabin in about a week, for his 60th birthday. There are going to be tons of people here.
Today, I started my day with a 7 mile run. Somedays I run 10 miles. It is one of the few breaks I get from the OCD that tortures my head. Even when running it still bothers me some. I have always thought OCD was like Madonna, it keeps finding ways to reinvent itself. Today as I was running. I was ruminating again about the incident that happened with my mother. I kept thinking has it been 3 weeks since I was being cruel to her or was it 5 weeks. I think I know which one its closer to, but I decide to keep beating myself up about it. I guess I forget that I apologized, realized I goofed up, and how I have been talking to my therapist constantly how I could of handled it better. See some people would of fogiven and moved on after something like this after a couple of days and keep living there life. I get stuck in a guilt induced coma. I STOP living. My behavior becomes a pattern of existing
I talked my therapist about this, and I told him I do read into thing too much into things in general. But not always. When I called my mom a few days ago and left a sincere apology on her machine. She called me back later that day. I thought the first thing she would say on the machine was, I accept your apology. Instead, she asked me how my cats were doing. As I was trying to tell me therapist what happened with the call. I told him I am trying to be as honest as possible, but I do not think she ever asked me how I was doing. I remember she asked me how my cats were doing?? I said fine. Then she later asked me what was new. I believe when I told my doc this, I said asking me what was new is kind of like asking me how I am doing. I believe he said no, it really is not. I later told her I was looking for a job at a catering center. She said yeah, that would be good for me part time. Uusally, this would of made me angry, because I know my mother well enough that she thinks I can not handle a full time job. She is just alking about herself. I just responded full time mom. Usually her response would of been you have to be in contact with the disabilty office to see how much you can work. My mother gives jewish mothers, a bad name. I later asked her if she forgave me about the apologize, during the middle of the conversation. To me her response was "yes" it just seems like the most important thing to me in the convseration, didn't see important to her as much as I thought it should of has been. Part of me thinks she wants me to feel guilty about this for my whole life. My mom has a way of reminding me of every rotten thing I have ever done. And like her father, she holds GRUDGES.
When I told my mom I was gay in the past, her response was "oh" and the next thing out of her of her mouth was did you get your oil change. She just does NOT get it. Nobody is home.
She once told me her father has never forgivien me for being mean to her in the PAST. Truly, I am not a rotten person and I truly have never done anything that terrible that is unforgiveable
I think what is sad is I do not let myself realize that my mother is not incident in her role in this. My mom has done a lot of hurtful things to me over the years. I guess I am not in the mood to write much now. But my grandfather her father is the kind of guy who is bitter at the world. He seems to have something against everyone. Especially his own grandson. Growing up I have probably talked back to him here and there, nothing terrible. He was always mean, and even though I was a child and some with see it being disrespectful, I didn't appreciate being talk down to. And boy can he talk down. It wasn't until a couple of years ago until I told him what a rotten person I thought he was. I wasn't invited to there house the last couple thanksgiving, because about 4 or 5 years ago I wrote them a note telling them what I thought of them. I do not regret writing the letter. Everything I said about him and my grandmother is true. I remember visiting him when I was young. He always scared me. I remember peeing in my pants when I once went to his house to visit them. I guess it bothers me my mom NEVER stood up for me against him, but she said THEY ARE HER PARENTS, but I am her son. Where do I come in?? I am glad I see my therapist tomorrow to talk more about my mom. Maybe I need to focus on more why I am angry with her rather then beating myself up. But I need to take some responsbility for the way I acted toward her. I am pretty sure my shrink recently told me I am not going to change her, but I can change how I react to her. I have been doing this some and will continue to as I have a very LIMITED relationship with her.
Although I have had fallouts with my mother before. What I learned from her 1 month ago was I realized, she is really not going to change. And realize I am not going to have the mother I always wanted. I also have to keep remember I can't her, but how I react to her. I try to think of her as an annoying coworker.
Back to the day with my dad at the cabin. After running he took me hunting. I was bored out of my mind, but my dad enjoys it. Its where he shoots at these plastic balls. I have actually done some shooting, but never hunting. I could not shoot an animal. Although, my dad is a hunter its not everyday you find a jewish hunter. Sometimes if I wonder if my dad likes it or since he has taken early retirement, he is trying new things. Actually, I don't think its either. Although, my dad is almost 60. I do not think he has never really fit in anywhere. So he just wants to be a part of something. Kinda like me.
That's all for now. I am going to dinner with Aunt Ruth later this week, but this is an email I sent her recently. I am not going to edit it, this is exactly what I wrote. Great Aunt Ruth is my biggest cheerleader.
Before you read it, I just want to say thank you for reading my blog.
Stay tuned, and see ya tomorrow
Justin
Here it is:
Hi Aunt Ruth:
I know you like to talk over the phone to say things, but there is just some things I just feel better saying through email. I just want to tell you whether its going out to dinner with you or spending time at your apartment for the jewish holiday. I can't even explain to you how much I enjoy your company. Actually as soon as I got home I emailed my Dad and told him what a great time I had with you.
Sure, I kid around to him about you, but its only in an affectionate way. I TRULY think the world of you. Sometimes I am depressed, or sad, but whenever I am around you my worries go away and I am always happy. I use to go a forum where people would have light conservation and talk about life. I would always talk about my dinners with you on the forum. I would share the funny things that might happen at dinner or even the serious things. People would say things to me like, boy Auth Ruth sounds like a special person. Or others would say everyone could learn a lesson or to from her. Its the truth, you have a lot of good wisdom.
You know I once wrote on a forum when you talked about Howie Mandel and you said he has what I have "OCD" and you said look how successful he can be, you said I can do it to.. When I shared the story someone actually emailed me and they said they said they were really touched by that exchange we had. The person said they actually teared up a little.
I think you know how much I think of you. If you didn't you know now. I talk about you a lot. To my dad, the people at the animal shelter, when I was there, to friends, and to people I don't even know on the internet.
I still think you have quite a few good years left, but as I got in the car tonight and drove home. I started to cry a little. I thought I can't imagine NOT having you around and going out to dinner with every couple of weeks. My biggest regret in life would be if you leave this earth, and don't seem become the success that I will eventually become.
You know I don't go around telling people I am gay, I mention it here and there just so I feel more comfortable and less suffocated, but you were actually the first relative I really told that I could totally confide in. I am I am glad I did.
You know people can buy my gifts for my birthday and it doesn't mean it a whole lot to me. When I go out to dinner with you. I feel like everyday is my birthday.
Another thing I like about you is you always like the bit of an underdog. Maybe that's why Jimmy has always been your favorite. Can you move Jimmy to #2. I want to be your favorite .;-)
Love
Justin
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Gotta start somewhere!
Hi There
I thought of keeping my own diary/journal, but I have decided to blog instead. I think because there has to be someone out there who relates to me at some level. If not I still think I am interesting at some level.
My biggest concern about creating a blog is that I do not know how to write. Ever since I was child I was in every learning disabilty program possible known to man. I was never a good student and my weakest subject ever was English., honestly I was lucky enough to even get a D in that class.
I really didn't want to write a lot in my first blog, but I seem to have a lot to share.
My name is Justin and I hope you will continue to read my journey, because my life seems to be a journey, but so is everyones. I use to post on a forum and discuss light fluffy topics. Sometimes I would even talk about my Aunt Ruth. A few people told me I should write short stories about her. Some of the people told me I was witty. I hope the person who told me that compliment meant it. Because it meant a lot to me and I feel likes its the first real compliment I have ever gotten in my life. I will share my Aunt Ruth stories on the blog after each time I visit Aunt Ruth. I go to dinner with her every about every 2 weeks. She is a riot/ I think when you hear my Aunt Ruth stories you will laugh and cry with me, but if you decide to read my blog on a regular basis. There is a good chance you will laugh, cry, smile, be disappointed in me, be proud of me, be annoyed, be angry, probably every emotion possible. Although, I think some of my post with be about life. I will try to share some funny stories as well. Although today's blog is not all that funny.
Ok a little more about me. I am 28 years old and I am have OCD(obsessive compulsive disorder) I am also gay. This is a huge deal to me, but no one else seems to care that I am. The last 3 years have been better for me. Prior to that my life was a living hell. You really do not want to know the living hell part.
I am a person all about self-doubt, low self esteem, with no real friends and someone who has isolated himself for the last 10 years because he had trouble excepting his sexuality as well as dealing with his OCD and poor self perspective and always caring too much what others think.
So today I began a new chapter of my life. Discussing my life with strangers. In creating this blog. I decided to be brutally honest. I think one thing in my life that has held be back is I have never been able to be honest with myself. I people please, and its only been self destructive.
Today is 10/27/07 and the blogging begins NOW:
Today is Saturday. I decided to spend the weekend with my dad in Penn. Our relationship in the past has been sour, but over the last 3 months we have re-estaablished a relationship. Actually, in an email that I sent to him a few months ago I came "out" to him I knew that he knew I struggled with he issues, but this time I came clean.
For the first time in my life I felt like my dad and I connected when I came "out" to him. I sort of lied in the email to him, when I sent it. I told him its the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. There is some truth in it, but part is bullshit. I am happier now then I have been in the past, but I am truly not happy YET.
Anyway, I am with him at his cabin in Cook Forrest, Pa. He calls it a cabin, but its more like a house. I have never been to Aspen, but it looks like what a house or cabin would be there. I wish I was in a relationship with someone so I could go skiing with them in Colorado. I like to ski.
I see a therapist 3 times a week and before I left today I had an appointment with my doc. My therapist is cool. He is in his mid 40's, with a clean beard and thin build. The only time I feel safe is when I am in his office. I feel same blogging though.
I no longer have much of a relationship with my mother, but about a month ago ended it(dates are aprrox, I have ruminated about the dates from the drive from Cleveland to Penn all 2 and half hours, and music did NOT help) You might understand why later
As you will see in my post. My mind gets stuck around my OCD. Sometimes you will see the OCD in my posts. I actually thinks its been close to 5 weeks since I had the falling out with her, but part of me thinks its approaching the almost 4 week time period. What difference does it make?? Who the FUCK knows, but thats OCD for you.
Anyway, we fought over the phone. By all accounts people I think people think I am nice guy(I have overheard people say it) But that day about 4 weeks ago :-) I got in a fight with my mom over the phone. It lasted an entire weekend. Although, yesterday I called her for the first time to apologize. I still feel guilty about it. I called her every name in the book and then some. I had really had it with her, its hard for me to even realize how CRAZY I sounded. It didn't sound like me and if you didn't know me You would say this kid is off kildare, the thing is I am not. Its hard to describe why I do not like my mom. I think its because she always seems to put me last, she doesn't think I can do anything. she thinks I am still 5. If she could read my bedtime stories she would. But I just turned 28 DAMN IT! In later blogs I will be able to help describe the reason I do not care for my mother. Oops. Maybe I just did.
Although, I said a lot of ROTTEN THINGS to my mother during this fight. The one I have been holding on to like crazy is this one. My dad is a hunter and I told her I was going to borrow his gun and "kill her" The thing is I would never do such a thing. Although, I was enraged with her at the time. I would not act on it. My old doc who I would see every once in awhile was just for medication updates was concerned, he treated me like he was a police officer. My therapist the one I see 3 times a weekk was not concerned at all about me acting on it. Actually, most people I told were not CONCERNED! Most people told me people say a lot of things when they are angry, it does not make it right, and it does not mean you will act on it either. One lady i know said, Justin, give yourself a break already OVER EVERYTHING.
Well getting back to spending time with my dad. I have been unhappy ever since I got here. All I think about what I did to my month a or so ago. So many people have told me to LET IT GO. I am still working on it.
Tonight, we went out to eat. It was okay. I went with my dad and his buddies. They were nice. Since I am so consumed with people's everyword. At dinner as I was ruminating about how I acted toward my mom about a month ago. I became very reserved And standoffish, someof the time, although, I did talk some. I heard the men talking and in front of my face I heard them say "So and so has no personality" Then the whole night became a rumination about me thinking I have no personality. Although, I can not be certain logically thinking it was probably about someone else and not me. They just met me(I have to remind myself everything is not about me) I totally ruined the whole night because I concentrated on something that probably wasn't about me. The thing is I have a lot of personality, but I have been struggling a lot with a lot of my worries fears/worries and obsessions. My biggest fear is people will not think I have a personality.
Perosnalities are important. They make friendships and romances. If I do not have one what good am I and what is the purpose of life("(do not worry. I am not about suicide. I enjoy being a work in progress and figuring myself out So after I became consumed with that I relaxed some, although the fight with my mom was still in the back of my head and more of personality came out. I was worried I was "trying too hard" I guess I am upset because I got home and was angry at myself. I can't even begin to tell you how upset I am with myself. Even though some of my personality came out, I still was not myself. I came across reserved. The true Justin is the life of the party. I haven't been the life of the partY, since I did karaoke at my friend's Bar Mtizvah to sur mix a lot's. "I like big butts"
Well, I am ending the blog for today. I feel a little like Mr. Belveder a little.
I hope you will continue reading my blog, maybe you can relate, maybe you can not. But hopefully you will find me interesting.
Hopefully my future blogs, will not be as long, but I had to introduce myself.
btw... I am a big jogger/runner wanted to throw that in. Not sure why. I could probably could compete if I wanted to.
Stay Tuned(always wanted to say that, will tell you why later)
Justin aka A work in progress.
I thought of keeping my own diary/journal, but I have decided to blog instead. I think because there has to be someone out there who relates to me at some level. If not I still think I am interesting at some level.
My biggest concern about creating a blog is that I do not know how to write. Ever since I was child I was in every learning disabilty program possible known to man. I was never a good student and my weakest subject ever was English., honestly I was lucky enough to even get a D in that class.
I really didn't want to write a lot in my first blog, but I seem to have a lot to share.
My name is Justin and I hope you will continue to read my journey, because my life seems to be a journey, but so is everyones. I use to post on a forum and discuss light fluffy topics. Sometimes I would even talk about my Aunt Ruth. A few people told me I should write short stories about her. Some of the people told me I was witty. I hope the person who told me that compliment meant it. Because it meant a lot to me and I feel likes its the first real compliment I have ever gotten in my life. I will share my Aunt Ruth stories on the blog after each time I visit Aunt Ruth. I go to dinner with her every about every 2 weeks. She is a riot/ I think when you hear my Aunt Ruth stories you will laugh and cry with me, but if you decide to read my blog on a regular basis. There is a good chance you will laugh, cry, smile, be disappointed in me, be proud of me, be annoyed, be angry, probably every emotion possible. Although, I think some of my post with be about life. I will try to share some funny stories as well. Although today's blog is not all that funny.
Ok a little more about me. I am 28 years old and I am have OCD(obsessive compulsive disorder) I am also gay. This is a huge deal to me, but no one else seems to care that I am. The last 3 years have been better for me. Prior to that my life was a living hell. You really do not want to know the living hell part.
I am a person all about self-doubt, low self esteem, with no real friends and someone who has isolated himself for the last 10 years because he had trouble excepting his sexuality as well as dealing with his OCD and poor self perspective and always caring too much what others think.
So today I began a new chapter of my life. Discussing my life with strangers. In creating this blog. I decided to be brutally honest. I think one thing in my life that has held be back is I have never been able to be honest with myself. I people please, and its only been self destructive.
Today is 10/27/07 and the blogging begins NOW:
Today is Saturday. I decided to spend the weekend with my dad in Penn. Our relationship in the past has been sour, but over the last 3 months we have re-estaablished a relationship. Actually, in an email that I sent to him a few months ago I came "out" to him I knew that he knew I struggled with he issues, but this time I came clean.
For the first time in my life I felt like my dad and I connected when I came "out" to him. I sort of lied in the email to him, when I sent it. I told him its the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. There is some truth in it, but part is bullshit. I am happier now then I have been in the past, but I am truly not happy YET.
Anyway, I am with him at his cabin in Cook Forrest, Pa. He calls it a cabin, but its more like a house. I have never been to Aspen, but it looks like what a house or cabin would be there. I wish I was in a relationship with someone so I could go skiing with them in Colorado. I like to ski.
I see a therapist 3 times a week and before I left today I had an appointment with my doc. My therapist is cool. He is in his mid 40's, with a clean beard and thin build. The only time I feel safe is when I am in his office. I feel same blogging though.
I no longer have much of a relationship with my mother, but about a month ago ended it(dates are aprrox, I have ruminated about the dates from the drive from Cleveland to Penn all 2 and half hours, and music did NOT help) You might understand why later
As you will see in my post. My mind gets stuck around my OCD. Sometimes you will see the OCD in my posts. I actually thinks its been close to 5 weeks since I had the falling out with her, but part of me thinks its approaching the almost 4 week time period. What difference does it make?? Who the FUCK knows, but thats OCD for you.
Anyway, we fought over the phone. By all accounts people I think people think I am nice guy(I have overheard people say it) But that day about 4 weeks ago :-) I got in a fight with my mom over the phone. It lasted an entire weekend. Although, yesterday I called her for the first time to apologize. I still feel guilty about it. I called her every name in the book and then some. I had really had it with her, its hard for me to even realize how CRAZY I sounded. It didn't sound like me and if you didn't know me You would say this kid is off kildare, the thing is I am not. Its hard to describe why I do not like my mom. I think its because she always seems to put me last, she doesn't think I can do anything. she thinks I am still 5. If she could read my bedtime stories she would. But I just turned 28 DAMN IT! In later blogs I will be able to help describe the reason I do not care for my mother. Oops. Maybe I just did.
Although, I said a lot of ROTTEN THINGS to my mother during this fight. The one I have been holding on to like crazy is this one. My dad is a hunter and I told her I was going to borrow his gun and "kill her" The thing is I would never do such a thing. Although, I was enraged with her at the time. I would not act on it. My old doc who I would see every once in awhile was just for medication updates was concerned, he treated me like he was a police officer. My therapist the one I see 3 times a weekk was not concerned at all about me acting on it. Actually, most people I told were not CONCERNED! Most people told me people say a lot of things when they are angry, it does not make it right, and it does not mean you will act on it either. One lady i know said, Justin, give yourself a break already OVER EVERYTHING.
Well getting back to spending time with my dad. I have been unhappy ever since I got here. All I think about what I did to my month a or so ago. So many people have told me to LET IT GO. I am still working on it.
Tonight, we went out to eat. It was okay. I went with my dad and his buddies. They were nice. Since I am so consumed with people's everyword. At dinner as I was ruminating about how I acted toward my mom about a month ago. I became very reserved And standoffish, someof the time, although, I did talk some. I heard the men talking and in front of my face I heard them say "So and so has no personality" Then the whole night became a rumination about me thinking I have no personality. Although, I can not be certain logically thinking it was probably about someone else and not me. They just met me(I have to remind myself everything is not about me) I totally ruined the whole night because I concentrated on something that probably wasn't about me. The thing is I have a lot of personality, but I have been struggling a lot with a lot of my worries fears/worries and obsessions. My biggest fear is people will not think I have a personality.
Perosnalities are important. They make friendships and romances. If I do not have one what good am I and what is the purpose of life("(do not worry. I am not about suicide. I enjoy being a work in progress and figuring myself out So after I became consumed with that I relaxed some, although the fight with my mom was still in the back of my head and more of personality came out. I was worried I was "trying too hard" I guess I am upset because I got home and was angry at myself. I can't even begin to tell you how upset I am with myself. Even though some of my personality came out, I still was not myself. I came across reserved. The true Justin is the life of the party. I haven't been the life of the partY, since I did karaoke at my friend's Bar Mtizvah to sur mix a lot's. "I like big butts"
Well, I am ending the blog for today. I feel a little like Mr. Belveder a little.
I hope you will continue reading my blog, maybe you can relate, maybe you can not. But hopefully you will find me interesting.
Hopefully my future blogs, will not be as long, but I had to introduce myself.
btw... I am a big jogger/runner wanted to throw that in. Not sure why. I could probably could compete if I wanted to.
Stay Tuned(always wanted to say that, will tell you why later)
Justin aka A work in progress.
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