Sunday 10/28/07

Hey guys:

I thought about my post from yesterday and realized how choppy it was. I apologize. I guess when you are starting a blog and you have a lot to say you sometime start in the middle.

I still think some of my post will stilll be choppy because when you are talking about your life not everything is in order.

Anyway, today is Sunday and I am still at my dad's cabin. I leave tomorrow morning and head back to Cleveland. I am going back to his cabin in about a week, for his 60th birthday. There are going to be tons of people here.

Today, I started my day with a 7 mile run. Somedays I run 10 miles. It is one of the few breaks I get from the OCD that tortures my head. Even when running it still bothers me some. I have always thought OCD was like Madonna, it keeps finding ways to reinvent itself. Today as I was running. I was ruminating again about the incident that happened with my mother. I kept thinking has it been 3 weeks since I was being cruel to her or was it 5 weeks. I think I know which one its closer to, but I decide to keep beating myself up about it. I guess I forget that I apologized, realized I goofed up, and how I have been talking to my therapist constantly how I could of handled it better. See some people would of fogiven and moved on after something like this after a couple of days and keep living there life. I get stuck in a guilt induced coma. I STOP living. My behavior becomes a pattern of existing

I talked my therapist about this, and I told him I do read into thing too much into things in general. But not always. When I called my mom a few days ago and left a sincere apology on her machine. She called me back later that day. I thought the first thing she would say on the machine was, I accept your apology. Instead, she asked me how my cats were doing. As I was trying to tell me therapist what happened with the call. I told him I am trying to be as honest as possible, but I do not think she ever asked me how I was doing. I remember she asked me how my cats were doing?? I said fine. Then she later asked me what was new. I believe when I told my doc this, I said asking me what was new is kind of like asking me how I am doing. I believe he said no, it really is not. I later told her I was looking for a job at a catering center. She said yeah, that would be good for me part time. Uusally, this would of made me angry, because I know my mother well enough that she thinks I can not handle a full time job. She is just alking about herself. I just responded full time mom. Usually her response would of been you have to be in contact with the disabilty office to see how much you can work. My mother gives jewish mothers, a bad name. I later asked her if she forgave me about the apologize, during the middle of the conversation. To me her response was "yes" it just seems like the most important thing to me in the convseration, didn't see important to her as much as I thought it should of has been. Part of me thinks she wants me to feel guilty about this for my whole life. My mom has a way of reminding me of every rotten thing I have ever done. And like her father, she holds GRUDGES.

When I told my mom I was gay in the past, her response was "oh" and the next thing out of her of her mouth was did you get your oil change. She just does NOT get it. Nobody is home.

She once told me her father has never forgivien me for being mean to her in the PAST. Truly, I am not a rotten person and I truly have never done anything that terrible that is unforgiveable


I think what is sad is I do not let myself realize that my mother is not incident in her role in this. My mom has done a lot of hurtful things to me over the years. I guess I am not in the mood to write much now. But my grandfather her father is the kind of guy who is bitter at the world. He seems to have something against everyone. Especially his own grandson. Growing up I have probably talked back to him here and there, nothing terrible. He was always mean, and even though I was a child and some with see it being disrespectful, I didn't appreciate being talk down to. And boy can he talk down. It wasn't until a couple of years ago until I told him what a rotten person I thought he was. I wasn't invited to there house the last couple thanksgiving, because about 4 or 5 years ago I wrote them a note telling them what I thought of them. I do not regret writing the letter. Everything I said about him and my grandmother is true. I remember visiting him when I was young. He always scared me. I remember peeing in my pants when I once went to his house to visit them. I guess it bothers me my mom NEVER stood up for me against him, but she said THEY ARE HER PARENTS, but I am her son. Where do I come in?? I am glad I see my therapist tomorrow to talk more about my mom. Maybe I need to focus on more why I am angry with her rather then beating myself up. But I need to take some responsbility for the way I acted toward her. I am pretty sure my shrink recently told me I am not going to change her, but I can change how I react to her. I have been doing this some and will continue to as I have a very LIMITED relationship with her.

Although I have had fallouts with my mother before. What I learned from her 1 month ago was I realized, she is really not going to change. And realize I am not going to have the mother I always wanted. I also have to keep remember I can't her, but how I react to her. I try to think of her as an annoying coworker.

Back to the day with my dad at the cabin. After running he took me hunting. I was bored out of my mind, but my dad enjoys it. Its where he shoots at these plastic balls. I have actually done some shooting, but never hunting. I could not shoot an animal. Although, my dad is a hunter its not everyday you find a jewish hunter. Sometimes if I wonder if my dad likes it or since he has taken early retirement, he is trying new things. Actually, I don't think its either. Although, my dad is almost 60. I do not think he has never really fit in anywhere. So he just wants to be a part of something. Kinda like me.

That's all for now. I am going to dinner with Aunt Ruth later this week, but this is an email I sent her recently. I am not going to edit it, this is exactly what I wrote. Great Aunt Ruth is my biggest cheerleader.

Before you read it, I just want to say thank you for reading my blog.

Stay tuned, and see ya tomorrow
Justin

Here it is:


Hi Aunt Ruth:

I know you like to talk over the phone to say things, but there is just some things I just feel better saying through email. I just want to tell you whether its going out to dinner with you or spending time at your apartment for the jewish holiday. I can't even explain to you how much I enjoy your company. Actually as soon as I got home I emailed my Dad and told him what a great time I had with you.

Sure, I kid around to him about you, but its only in an affectionate way. I TRULY think the world of you. Sometimes I am depressed, or sad, but whenever I am around you my worries go away and I am always happy. I use to go a forum where people would have light conservation and talk about life. I would always talk about my dinners with you on the forum. I would share the funny things that might happen at dinner or even the serious things. People would say things to me like, boy Auth Ruth sounds like a special person. Or others would say everyone could learn a lesson or to from her. Its the truth, you have a lot of good wisdom.

You know I once wrote on a forum when you talked about Howie Mandel and you said he has what I have "OCD" and you said look how successful he can be, you said I can do it to.. When I shared the story someone actually emailed me and they said they said they were really touched by that exchange we had. The person said they actually teared up a little.

I think you know how much I think of you. If you didn't you know now. I talk about you a lot. To my dad, the people at the animal shelter, when I was there, to friends, and to people I don't even know on the internet.

I still think you have quite a few good years left, but as I got in the car tonight and drove home. I started to cry a little. I thought I can't imagine NOT having you around and going out to dinner with every couple of weeks. My biggest regret in life would be if you leave this earth, and don't seem become the success that I will eventually become.

You know I don't go around telling people I am gay, I mention it here and there just so I feel more comfortable and less suffocated, but you were actually the first relative I really told that I could totally confide in. I am I am glad I did.

You know people can buy my gifts for my birthday and it doesn't mean it a whole lot to me. When I go out to dinner with you. I feel like everyday is my birthday.

Another thing I like about you is you always like the bit of an underdog. Maybe that's why Jimmy has always been your favorite. Can you move Jimmy to #2. I want to be your favorite .;-)

Love
Justin