Blogging a little early tody 10/30/07

I have decided to blog a little early today. I was a little worried if I blog now. I should not blog tonight. I thought maybe people will not be interested in me or they think I am venting too much. Then I thought about it. No one is forced to read this blog. People choose to.

I have a friend lets call her "Jackie" before I was hopsitalized 3 years ago at Mclean and when I was having a million problems. She was the only person that stood around. She is probably my biggest cheerleader. But she even blocked me from emailing her and iming at one point, because she could not even take it. I would tell her every single thing that was bothering me. I guess I have grown because I have realized everyone has there own shit. Everyone has struggles and everyone has baggage.

I was surprised(happy surprised) because the blog got about 20 hits yesterday. The # of people who come to my blog is not imporant. I HONESTLY do not think I would feel any different if 20 people came or 2 million came. Its just nice to have some cheerleaders.

Today I went to the grocery store. I dread going to the grocery store. I try not to eat a lot at home, so I will not have to go very often. I guess the social anxiety of going out in public at all is hard for me. I am not saying I do not go out and socalize in general, just when I do its very hard and draining. I do not know why, but the grocery store is especially challenging for me.

As I was at the grocery store. Some of m OCD started to bother me(what's new?) I thought about when the onset of my worrying about my voice sounding gay started to bother me. It was when I was 16 years old and a kid in Spanish class teased me. His name was Mitch. I remember he mocked my voice. I think I have known since I was little guy I was gay. But I think Mitch just brought it to my attention.

I remember that he then started to really bully me. I remember walking down the hall. And remember him mouthing, Faggot, homo, gay. I remember I would avoid going down certain halls and actually walk outside to avoid the asshole.

After he teased me. I was so worried about people worrying that I was gay. I would go around asking tons of people. I would say do you think, my voice sounds gay, do you think I am gay??. Its not the kind of thing you really want to do in High School. After awhile people really picked up on it, and then everyone started calling me gay slurs. That shit hurts.

I recently was on a gay forum and talking about this. I posted how I was running/jogging past my old high school and Mitch came into my mind and I got really worked up. I finished the 7 miles, in about 47 minutes. I ran on anger and frustration. But someone pointed something out something that made a lot of sense, they said you are being silly to let someone from high school get to you so much. He said to me do me a favor. Run past your high school tomorrow and bury Mitch's sorry ass in the schoolyard. I have been able to run past the high school again. But still struggling to bury Mitch's sorry ass. Working on it though :-)

I do not care for Dr. Phil(doesn't mean I do not watch though ;-), but I remember seeing an episode a few years ago. It was about a lady who was called slut, whore, tramp in high school, because she got pregnant in high school. On the show she confronted the bully. The lady wasted 20 years of her life being angry at the woman who teased her. The woman who teased her came on. You never know what is going through someones head, but she said she really didn't remember her teasing very much or at all. She apologized to the woman, and she seemed genuinely sorry.

Its probably cliche to say, but other people can not be responsible for your happiness or unhappiness or any other feeling you have. You have to be. I am still letting Mitch control me some and I doubt Mitch even remembers who I am. He wasn't even in the same grade, he was younger. He probably has a nice live. While I am stuck.

I think to be good at anything it takes work. I am good runner, and can easily run 7 miles a day. When I first started running I could not run half a mile. I think what also makes me a good runner is although I probably have some natural ability. I am able to run on anger, frustration and OCD. I guess I have to keep working on the other stuff though. I am a great catch and have a lot to offer someone. I just need to stay strong.

Kind of funny, but when I was at my therapist office a few weeks ago as soon as I left the doc called me "kiddo" I said jokingly to him did you just call me Kiddo?? He was like "Yeah??"

I left that day feeling really happy, because I can tell my therapist likes me. He even calls me when I do not see him to check up on me. There has been times where he has gone 1 hour and 30 minutes with me in a session. Thank God I have a good shrink. I go 3 times a week, but eventually I think I would like to go down to twice a week.

I have to work on not calling him when things are bothering me. I feel like I am always calling him. Sometimes you just need to work things out yourself. But the guy always calls me back. Not like 5 hours later, like within the hour.

You know the Toledo sotry I blogged about earlier today. Well I found some sweat pants we bought when I was thre for that week. I have decided to ebay them off and give all the money to the Matthew Shephard Foundation. I have bought stuff from Matthew's site before. Matthew is a name that should not be forgotten

Here is the auction. I am a little nutty. But who isn't? http://cgi.ebay.com/TAXI-RIDE-HOME-FROM-COLLEGE-SWEATPANTS-WE-BOUGHT-THERE_W0QQitemZ190168479043QQihZ009QQcategoryZ1469QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem



I do have a quick question and anyone is welcome to answer it. When it says on my proifle how many people have viewed me, is that how many people have looked at my profile or my blog??

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Justin