Well I just wanted to start by wishing everyone a Happy Halloween. I actually went to a Halloween party while I was visiting my dad. While I did not dress up, other people did. The theme was pirates, so that's what most people dressed up as. It was pretty cute! The lady who ran the party kept saying to we have any butt-pirates here??(ha-ha)
When I first started my blog I said I wanted to be candid and honest. Well, right now I am going to be candid and open about my sex life.
Well to be honest I do not have much of a sex life. It could be described in about 6 seconds. A large reason is because I am not active in many things and do not meet a lot of new people. This has got to change.
I had myself on match.com for about 6 months. My match account did not have a whole lot of activity. While I did talk to some people via email(and still do) I only went on a couple of dates from match. I thought it was just me who wasn't getting many responses, but i have talked to others and there accounts were not that active either.
I sometimes hate how you will hear celebrities say they were ugly ducklings growing up or even how they do not like how they look now. Maybe for some its true, but its seems almost a cliche thing for celebrities to say. Its hard for me to write this, but I consider my good looking. I think its tough to write this was for years, I suffered with bdd(its on the spectrum of OCD) It was REALLY BAD. I would get my mail every few days, when I would drive I would hold my face over my hand. I was just disgusted with the way I look. It took some time, but I have really worked on this area of my life and am now confident in my appearance. I think what helped was when I ran outside, I would parade around half nekkid(not really. Just wearing skimpy shorts and no shirt) Sure, the bdd bothers me here and there, but NOTHING like it use to.
LIKE I SAID BEFORE OCD, SHOULD BE CALLED MADONNA, BECAUSE IT KEEPS REINVENTING ITSELF.
Well, now I would like to talk about the dates I went on. The first one I went on was about a week after I signed up on match. The guy was nice, but he was little to effeminate for me. I guess I am lonely, because I was coming on to him, but he didn't seem interested. I told him I would be in contact with him soon after, but I never did. In truth, even though he had no interest in me. I had no interest in him either and when I told him I was going to be in contact with him, that was a lie.
The other date I went on was a few weeks ago. I actually emailed the guy about 2 months ago and he never responded. I then emailed him back a few weeks ago to see if he was still interested. He reponded and then we talked a little though instant message. When we first started iming I was out of town. He said when you come back in town do you just want to come to my hotel room, hang out and eat dinner there?? He was staying in Cleveland for business. At first, I cancelled the date, because I felt like he might be interested in just one thing. I didn't tell him that, I just said we are 2 different people. People with OCD tend to read into things. I thought maybe I was reading into things a little too much?? Maybe he was just interested in getting take out and eating back at his hotel room(C'mon Justin, you are not the naive or maybe I am), so I changed my mind and decided to meet him.
Well, when in DOUBT, always listen to Oprah. Oprah always said if you just have a hunch that something may be a bad idea do not go into IT. I should listen to Oprah more.
Anyway, we went to a place and got carry out. We brought it back to the hotel room and we messed around. One thing I am learning is you do not have to sleep/mess around with every person you meet. My sexual experiences before this guy have only been a few and I think part of me was curious, the other part of me was lonely.
Although, I was more then willing to mess around. I do felt like he initiated it and he seemed more interested then I was. Let's just say I was mechincal. The other thing though I was not attracted him. People are not always honest about there appearance on match, although I was. I told him one thing I was worried about meeting him was that I told him I was a little worried about my appearance. When he met me. He said you are 10x better looking then I am. I dunno, if he was just saying that or jsut trying to be nice. And while I am not in his head. I kept thinking I am probably 10x more insecure then him.
I have met one or 2 other people not off match and I also fooled around with them. I was really only attracted to one of them. The one I was attracted I still messed around for all the wrong reasons. It happened 6 years and I met him an AOL chat room. I learned my lesson 6 years ago, and stopped going to chat rooms then. The other guy I met was a total trainwreck And the incident(notice how I called it an incident) that happened with him was fairly recent as well. I met him through a mutual friend. I will be discussing him in future blogs. I thought I had issues. Wait till you hear about this tool. His behavior was downright scary. Again, I still went on a second date with him. Doesn't Oprah say never let them take you to the second location??
After meeting the guy on Match(the one I messed around, with a few weeks ago) I came home and started to obsess about aids/hiv. While we did not do anything high risk. And I truly have nothing to really worry about. My OCD is toying with me about this issue. I do need to be more careful when it comes to other situations in the future. Thank God for bad experiences, because you learn a lot from them. I also need to learn that you should sleep with someone you truly like and have a connection with. Not just someone who is there.
I think I read this on the net awhile ago, but I remember reading somewhere how someone once thought that doing certain sexual acts, may cause your voice to change pitches. As I left my house this morning and thought about it I started worry/obsess that because I did certain sexual acts, my voice with now become effeminate. I guess its my OCD just having a good ol' time.
I have since myself off of match and looking to sporting leagues, like Front Runners were the quality of people is much better.
Stay Tuned
Justin!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
10/30/07
Well, I am going to watch a little tv and then hit the sack. So I am really not going to blog tonight.
See ya back tomorrow
Stay Tuned
Justin!
See ya back tomorrow
Stay Tuned
Justin!
Blogging a little early tody 10/30/07
I have decided to blog a little early today. I was a little worried if I blog now. I should not blog tonight. I thought maybe people will not be interested in me or they think I am venting too much. Then I thought about it. No one is forced to read this blog. People choose to.
I have a friend lets call her "Jackie" before I was hopsitalized 3 years ago at Mclean and when I was having a million problems. She was the only person that stood around. She is probably my biggest cheerleader. But she even blocked me from emailing her and iming at one point, because she could not even take it. I would tell her every single thing that was bothering me. I guess I have grown because I have realized everyone has there own shit. Everyone has struggles and everyone has baggage.
I was surprised(happy surprised) because the blog got about 20 hits yesterday. The # of people who come to my blog is not imporant. I HONESTLY do not think I would feel any different if 20 people came or 2 million came. Its just nice to have some cheerleaders.
Today I went to the grocery store. I dread going to the grocery store. I try not to eat a lot at home, so I will not have to go very often. I guess the social anxiety of going out in public at all is hard for me. I am not saying I do not go out and socalize in general, just when I do its very hard and draining. I do not know why, but the grocery store is especially challenging for me.
As I was at the grocery store. Some of m OCD started to bother me(what's new?) I thought about when the onset of my worrying about my voice sounding gay started to bother me. It was when I was 16 years old and a kid in Spanish class teased me. His name was Mitch. I remember he mocked my voice. I think I have known since I was little guy I was gay. But I think Mitch just brought it to my attention.
I remember that he then started to really bully me. I remember walking down the hall. And remember him mouthing, Faggot, homo, gay. I remember I would avoid going down certain halls and actually walk outside to avoid the asshole.
After he teased me. I was so worried about people worrying that I was gay. I would go around asking tons of people. I would say do you think, my voice sounds gay, do you think I am gay??. Its not the kind of thing you really want to do in High School. After awhile people really picked up on it, and then everyone started calling me gay slurs. That shit hurts.
I recently was on a gay forum and talking about this. I posted how I was running/jogging past my old high school and Mitch came into my mind and I got really worked up. I finished the 7 miles, in about 47 minutes. I ran on anger and frustration. But someone pointed something out something that made a lot of sense, they said you are being silly to let someone from high school get to you so much. He said to me do me a favor. Run past your high school tomorrow and bury Mitch's sorry ass in the schoolyard. I have been able to run past the high school again. But still struggling to bury Mitch's sorry ass. Working on it though :-)
I do not care for Dr. Phil(doesn't mean I do not watch though ;-), but I remember seeing an episode a few years ago. It was about a lady who was called slut, whore, tramp in high school, because she got pregnant in high school. On the show she confronted the bully. The lady wasted 20 years of her life being angry at the woman who teased her. The woman who teased her came on. You never know what is going through someones head, but she said she really didn't remember her teasing very much or at all. She apologized to the woman, and she seemed genuinely sorry.
Its probably cliche to say, but other people can not be responsible for your happiness or unhappiness or any other feeling you have. You have to be. I am still letting Mitch control me some and I doubt Mitch even remembers who I am. He wasn't even in the same grade, he was younger. He probably has a nice live. While I am stuck.
I think to be good at anything it takes work. I am good runner, and can easily run 7 miles a day. When I first started running I could not run half a mile. I think what also makes me a good runner is although I probably have some natural ability. I am able to run on anger, frustration and OCD. I guess I have to keep working on the other stuff though. I am a great catch and have a lot to offer someone. I just need to stay strong.
Kind of funny, but when I was at my therapist office a few weeks ago as soon as I left the doc called me "kiddo" I said jokingly to him did you just call me Kiddo?? He was like "Yeah??"
I left that day feeling really happy, because I can tell my therapist likes me. He even calls me when I do not see him to check up on me. There has been times where he has gone 1 hour and 30 minutes with me in a session. Thank God I have a good shrink. I go 3 times a week, but eventually I think I would like to go down to twice a week.
I have to work on not calling him when things are bothering me. I feel like I am always calling him. Sometimes you just need to work things out yourself. But the guy always calls me back. Not like 5 hours later, like within the hour.
You know the Toledo sotry I blogged about earlier today. Well I found some sweat pants we bought when I was thre for that week. I have decided to ebay them off and give all the money to the Matthew Shephard Foundation. I have bought stuff from Matthew's site before. Matthew is a name that should not be forgotten
Here is the auction. I am a little nutty. But who isn't? http://cgi.ebay.com/TAXI-RIDE-HOME-FROM-COLLEGE-SWEATPANTS-WE-BOUGHT-THERE_W0QQitemZ190168479043QQihZ009QQcategoryZ1469QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
I do have a quick question and anyone is welcome to answer it. When it says on my proifle how many people have viewed me, is that how many people have looked at my profile or my blog??
Stay Close
Justin
I have a friend lets call her "Jackie" before I was hopsitalized 3 years ago at Mclean and when I was having a million problems. She was the only person that stood around. She is probably my biggest cheerleader. But she even blocked me from emailing her and iming at one point, because she could not even take it. I would tell her every single thing that was bothering me. I guess I have grown because I have realized everyone has there own shit. Everyone has struggles and everyone has baggage.
I was surprised(happy surprised) because the blog got about 20 hits yesterday. The # of people who come to my blog is not imporant. I HONESTLY do not think I would feel any different if 20 people came or 2 million came. Its just nice to have some cheerleaders.
Today I went to the grocery store. I dread going to the grocery store. I try not to eat a lot at home, so I will not have to go very often. I guess the social anxiety of going out in public at all is hard for me. I am not saying I do not go out and socalize in general, just when I do its very hard and draining. I do not know why, but the grocery store is especially challenging for me.
As I was at the grocery store. Some of m OCD started to bother me(what's new?) I thought about when the onset of my worrying about my voice sounding gay started to bother me. It was when I was 16 years old and a kid in Spanish class teased me. His name was Mitch. I remember he mocked my voice. I think I have known since I was little guy I was gay. But I think Mitch just brought it to my attention.
I remember that he then started to really bully me. I remember walking down the hall. And remember him mouthing, Faggot, homo, gay. I remember I would avoid going down certain halls and actually walk outside to avoid the asshole.
After he teased me. I was so worried about people worrying that I was gay. I would go around asking tons of people. I would say do you think, my voice sounds gay, do you think I am gay??. Its not the kind of thing you really want to do in High School. After awhile people really picked up on it, and then everyone started calling me gay slurs. That shit hurts.
I recently was on a gay forum and talking about this. I posted how I was running/jogging past my old high school and Mitch came into my mind and I got really worked up. I finished the 7 miles, in about 47 minutes. I ran on anger and frustration. But someone pointed something out something that made a lot of sense, they said you are being silly to let someone from high school get to you so much. He said to me do me a favor. Run past your high school tomorrow and bury Mitch's sorry ass in the schoolyard. I have been able to run past the high school again. But still struggling to bury Mitch's sorry ass. Working on it though :-)
I do not care for Dr. Phil(doesn't mean I do not watch though ;-), but I remember seeing an episode a few years ago. It was about a lady who was called slut, whore, tramp in high school, because she got pregnant in high school. On the show she confronted the bully. The lady wasted 20 years of her life being angry at the woman who teased her. The woman who teased her came on. You never know what is going through someones head, but she said she really didn't remember her teasing very much or at all. She apologized to the woman, and she seemed genuinely sorry.
Its probably cliche to say, but other people can not be responsible for your happiness or unhappiness or any other feeling you have. You have to be. I am still letting Mitch control me some and I doubt Mitch even remembers who I am. He wasn't even in the same grade, he was younger. He probably has a nice live. While I am stuck.
I think to be good at anything it takes work. I am good runner, and can easily run 7 miles a day. When I first started running I could not run half a mile. I think what also makes me a good runner is although I probably have some natural ability. I am able to run on anger, frustration and OCD. I guess I have to keep working on the other stuff though. I am a great catch and have a lot to offer someone. I just need to stay strong.
Kind of funny, but when I was at my therapist office a few weeks ago as soon as I left the doc called me "kiddo" I said jokingly to him did you just call me Kiddo?? He was like "Yeah??"
I left that day feeling really happy, because I can tell my therapist likes me. He even calls me when I do not see him to check up on me. There has been times where he has gone 1 hour and 30 minutes with me in a session. Thank God I have a good shrink. I go 3 times a week, but eventually I think I would like to go down to twice a week.
I have to work on not calling him when things are bothering me. I feel like I am always calling him. Sometimes you just need to work things out yourself. But the guy always calls me back. Not like 5 hours later, like within the hour.
You know the Toledo sotry I blogged about earlier today. Well I found some sweat pants we bought when I was thre for that week. I have decided to ebay them off and give all the money to the Matthew Shephard Foundation. I have bought stuff from Matthew's site before. Matthew is a name that should not be forgotten
Here is the auction. I am a little nutty. But who isn't? http://cgi.ebay.com/TAXI-RIDE-HOME-FROM-COLLEGE-SWEATPANTS-WE-BOUGHT-THERE_W0QQitemZ190168479043QQihZ009QQcategoryZ1469QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
I do have a quick question and anyone is welcome to answer it. When it says on my proifle how many people have viewed me, is that how many people have looked at my profile or my blog??
Stay Close
Justin
10/30/07 Funny story
I will update my regular blog tonight, but since no one really makes my mornings. I wanted to share a funny story that happened to me about 10 years ago. 10 years ago it was not funny, but looking at it now it is. And everyone loves this story. When you have as many afflictions as I do you need to laugh at things, if you do not you will just cry(I do that a lot to)
After barely graduating high school. I went off to the University of Toledo. I never wanted to go to go to college, but its something that about 95% of the people in my class did, so I went it. I knew it was a mistake from the moment I left.
I was there for about a week and I hated it. My OCD was bothering me like crazy and like in my last post my voice obsession has been in place for 14 years. Well when I went to Toledo it was only my sophmore year into my voice obsessio, so it will was still pretty bad. Plus dealing with my sexuality made things tough.
Well after 1 week. I called my rents to have them pick me up. My mom said no way, so I called my dad, he said no way stick it out. One thing about me is I do not jump through hoops.
So my next logical move was to get the phone book and call a taxi company. Hmm. Well, I got a hold of one and I asked them how far east they go?? They said as far as you want. I do not think they were thinking Cleveland. I said how about Cleveland. There was a dead silence on the phone. They said, okay. PERFECT!
I said when you can be here? They said in about 30 minutes. I thought excellent. I packed all that I could back in my laundry bag(hot much) got in the Taxi and I asked her to take me to Cleveland.
I sort of felt bad for the Taxi driver, because she really did not know how to to get to Cleveland I really was not sure either. We finally made it though. As I got out of the taxi, I told her good luck to you. She said, no good luck to you, she said you will need it. She was right and I still need it.
After this incident we had to go back to Toledo to get my computer and most of my stuff. When we walked back to my dorm my roommate was in bed with his girlfriend. After this incident, my mother did not talk to me for 3 months. Can't say I blame her on this one.
Looking back on this story and having told it a million times. I neeedFAQ page. Many people asked why not take a greyhound?? Why not fly?? I dunno. At the time I needed to do one what I needed to do. I jsut wanted to be home. And feel safe.
Another FAQ. How much was the Taxi ride home?? Remember this was 10 years ago. It was $250 dollars. I am scared to think what it would be today.
Will blog later tonight about my day
Stay close
Justin
After barely graduating high school. I went off to the University of Toledo. I never wanted to go to go to college, but its something that about 95% of the people in my class did, so I went it. I knew it was a mistake from the moment I left.
I was there for about a week and I hated it. My OCD was bothering me like crazy and like in my last post my voice obsession has been in place for 14 years. Well when I went to Toledo it was only my sophmore year into my voice obsessio, so it will was still pretty bad. Plus dealing with my sexuality made things tough.
Well after 1 week. I called my rents to have them pick me up. My mom said no way, so I called my dad, he said no way stick it out. One thing about me is I do not jump through hoops.
So my next logical move was to get the phone book and call a taxi company. Hmm. Well, I got a hold of one and I asked them how far east they go?? They said as far as you want. I do not think they were thinking Cleveland. I said how about Cleveland. There was a dead silence on the phone. They said, okay. PERFECT!
I said when you can be here? They said in about 30 minutes. I thought excellent. I packed all that I could back in my laundry bag(hot much) got in the Taxi and I asked her to take me to Cleveland.
I sort of felt bad for the Taxi driver, because she really did not know how to to get to Cleveland I really was not sure either. We finally made it though. As I got out of the taxi, I told her good luck to you. She said, no good luck to you, she said you will need it. She was right and I still need it.
After this incident we had to go back to Toledo to get my computer and most of my stuff. When we walked back to my dorm my roommate was in bed with his girlfriend. After this incident, my mother did not talk to me for 3 months. Can't say I blame her on this one.
Looking back on this story and having told it a million times. I neeedFAQ page. Many people asked why not take a greyhound?? Why not fly?? I dunno. At the time I needed to do one what I needed to do. I jsut wanted to be home. And feel safe.
Another FAQ. How much was the Taxi ride home?? Remember this was 10 years ago. It was $250 dollars. I am scared to think what it would be today.
Will blog later tonight about my day
Stay close
Justin
Monday, October 29, 2007
10/29/07 Frustrated
Hi There:
Before I post today I have to say that some of my other OCD symptoms have resurged quite a bit today. I guess the whole trip with my dad caused me a lot of anxiety & when my anxiety increasess my OCD flares.
Lately, I have been moody NOT with other people, but rather with myself. I went to Mclean hopsital for my OCD a little over 3 years ago. Even though I am million times before then I was, I still struggle a ton. OCD is tiring, annoying and draining.
Anyway, before I left my dad's cabin today. I tripped over my gym bag this morning. I am a bit of a Kluts anyway. I usually never have physical pain, just lots of mental pain. I have to be honest, my shoulder kills me right now, but when I hit the floor today, athough I was in physical pain, just for a second I was able to get my mind off my mental obsessions. Then I got a late start from my dad's cabin(my fault) Then I was late to my therapist office. 30 minutes LATE. He is a nice guy and let me stay and extra 15. So I got about 40 minutes in total.
One thing that has annoyed me about my OCD since I got back from Mcleans have been the strategies and techniques that I learned there. I understand all about erp/cbt, but what we also learned there, is sometimes you have to sit with the thought and kind of let it hang out. I have always found that these method contradict each other and it frustrates me to no end.
Like I use to obsess quite often where commas and periods go when writing. This doesn't bother me all that much anymore. But once in awhile it does. Today it does. Actually for about 2 years, I never even wrote anything on paper, because I was so fearful of writing. Now I let the writing thought come in and just kind of let it hang out. I continue writing, and it still bothers me, but it eventually dies down some. Its more like its in the back of head kind of feeling. If I follow the Mclean rule of thought I should write a paragraph and make tons of punctuation mistakes and it should desensitize me some to the fear. Its not just with writing. I do this with a thought of stuff, I am always questioning if I am handling my OCD properly. So I guess I obsess about obsessing. I know the OCD disorder is the disorder of doubt, but I feel like its doing a double whammy on me. Its playing on the techniques and strategies that are suppose to make me better(sigh)
For me, excepting that I am gay is very difficult. For a long time I was trying to avoid it. Avoidance is a bad thing when it comes to OCD. So for the last 14 years I have obsessed about my voice sounding effeminate or sterotypically gay. Instead of dealing with my sexuality head on. Now that I am dealing with my sexuality head on the voice obsession STILL bothers me, but not as much as it use to. If fyou heard my voice, you would probably laugh, because it sounds anything but effeminate, it actually sounds very masculine and I have been told it sounds radiosh, yet I am still consumed it with it sounding effeminate. In my early 20's I literally became a MUTE. The only people I would talk to would be my mother and father and I mean that was really if I had to. I am not like that anymore and able to talk freely, but there are times I probably limit my communication with others when the voice obsession bothers me . I have tried in many ways not give this thought POWER, but I keep thinking it sounds sterotypically gay or effeminate. Yet after 14 years, it still hanging in there. Somedays this thought is just BRUTAL and plays 24-7
Its about 5:30pm here and although I am not addicted to sedation medication. I sometimes take them around this time. I can usually sleep for a good 12 hours after taking them. Frankly, I understand why people deal with pain by doing drugs and drinking. Sometimes you just want to deaden it.
I know this sounds sad and I am glad I am young, but the only time I am happy is when I am sleeping, reading or running. Every other part of my day is just a total headache.
I have been checking my blog and I know it takes awhile for people to start looking at them, but I think since I started I have maybe gotten 10 hits.
Could someone just a comment or 2, so I do not feel like I am writing to nobody.
Writing what I jus wrote was very hard. Not because I was talking about my issues, but because of the period, commas, and other things that come into play when writing.
I guess I am also grouchy, because I didn't have time to run today, I didn't shower this morning. And I have not shaved.
I believe in God, but sometimes I am frustrated with him. Sometimes I think he gave me good looks, because he gave me poor mental health.
Good night
Justin
Before I post today I have to say that some of my other OCD symptoms have resurged quite a bit today. I guess the whole trip with my dad caused me a lot of anxiety & when my anxiety increasess my OCD flares.
Lately, I have been moody NOT with other people, but rather with myself. I went to Mclean hopsital for my OCD a little over 3 years ago. Even though I am million times before then I was, I still struggle a ton. OCD is tiring, annoying and draining.
Anyway, before I left my dad's cabin today. I tripped over my gym bag this morning. I am a bit of a Kluts anyway. I usually never have physical pain, just lots of mental pain. I have to be honest, my shoulder kills me right now, but when I hit the floor today, athough I was in physical pain, just for a second I was able to get my mind off my mental obsessions. Then I got a late start from my dad's cabin(my fault) Then I was late to my therapist office. 30 minutes LATE. He is a nice guy and let me stay and extra 15. So I got about 40 minutes in total.
One thing that has annoyed me about my OCD since I got back from Mcleans have been the strategies and techniques that I learned there. I understand all about erp/cbt, but what we also learned there, is sometimes you have to sit with the thought and kind of let it hang out. I have always found that these method contradict each other and it frustrates me to no end.
Like I use to obsess quite often where commas and periods go when writing. This doesn't bother me all that much anymore. But once in awhile it does. Today it does. Actually for about 2 years, I never even wrote anything on paper, because I was so fearful of writing. Now I let the writing thought come in and just kind of let it hang out. I continue writing, and it still bothers me, but it eventually dies down some. Its more like its in the back of head kind of feeling. If I follow the Mclean rule of thought I should write a paragraph and make tons of punctuation mistakes and it should desensitize me some to the fear. Its not just with writing. I do this with a thought of stuff, I am always questioning if I am handling my OCD properly. So I guess I obsess about obsessing. I know the OCD disorder is the disorder of doubt, but I feel like its doing a double whammy on me. Its playing on the techniques and strategies that are suppose to make me better(sigh)
For me, excepting that I am gay is very difficult. For a long time I was trying to avoid it. Avoidance is a bad thing when it comes to OCD. So for the last 14 years I have obsessed about my voice sounding effeminate or sterotypically gay. Instead of dealing with my sexuality head on. Now that I am dealing with my sexuality head on the voice obsession STILL bothers me, but not as much as it use to. If fyou heard my voice, you would probably laugh, because it sounds anything but effeminate, it actually sounds very masculine and I have been told it sounds radiosh, yet I am still consumed it with it sounding effeminate. In my early 20's I literally became a MUTE. The only people I would talk to would be my mother and father and I mean that was really if I had to. I am not like that anymore and able to talk freely, but there are times I probably limit my communication with others when the voice obsession bothers me . I have tried in many ways not give this thought POWER, but I keep thinking it sounds sterotypically gay or effeminate. Yet after 14 years, it still hanging in there. Somedays this thought is just BRUTAL and plays 24-7
Its about 5:30pm here and although I am not addicted to sedation medication. I sometimes take them around this time. I can usually sleep for a good 12 hours after taking them. Frankly, I understand why people deal with pain by doing drugs and drinking. Sometimes you just want to deaden it.
I know this sounds sad and I am glad I am young, but the only time I am happy is when I am sleeping, reading or running. Every other part of my day is just a total headache.
I have been checking my blog and I know it takes awhile for people to start looking at them, but I think since I started I have maybe gotten 10 hits.
Could someone just a comment or 2, so I do not feel like I am writing to nobody.
Writing what I jus wrote was very hard. Not because I was talking about my issues, but because of the period, commas, and other things that come into play when writing.
I guess I am also grouchy, because I didn't have time to run today, I didn't shower this morning. And I have not shaved.
I believe in God, but sometimes I am frustrated with him. Sometimes I think he gave me good looks, because he gave me poor mental health.
Good night
Justin
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Sunday 10/28/07
Hey guys:
I thought about my post from yesterday and realized how choppy it was. I apologize. I guess when you are starting a blog and you have a lot to say you sometime start in the middle.
I still think some of my post will stilll be choppy because when you are talking about your life not everything is in order.
Anyway, today is Sunday and I am still at my dad's cabin. I leave tomorrow morning and head back to Cleveland. I am going back to his cabin in about a week, for his 60th birthday. There are going to be tons of people here.
Today, I started my day with a 7 mile run. Somedays I run 10 miles. It is one of the few breaks I get from the OCD that tortures my head. Even when running it still bothers me some. I have always thought OCD was like Madonna, it keeps finding ways to reinvent itself. Today as I was running. I was ruminating again about the incident that happened with my mother. I kept thinking has it been 3 weeks since I was being cruel to her or was it 5 weeks. I think I know which one its closer to, but I decide to keep beating myself up about it. I guess I forget that I apologized, realized I goofed up, and how I have been talking to my therapist constantly how I could of handled it better. See some people would of fogiven and moved on after something like this after a couple of days and keep living there life. I get stuck in a guilt induced coma. I STOP living. My behavior becomes a pattern of existing
I talked my therapist about this, and I told him I do read into thing too much into things in general. But not always. When I called my mom a few days ago and left a sincere apology on her machine. She called me back later that day. I thought the first thing she would say on the machine was, I accept your apology. Instead, she asked me how my cats were doing. As I was trying to tell me therapist what happened with the call. I told him I am trying to be as honest as possible, but I do not think she ever asked me how I was doing. I remember she asked me how my cats were doing?? I said fine. Then she later asked me what was new. I believe when I told my doc this, I said asking me what was new is kind of like asking me how I am doing. I believe he said no, it really is not. I later told her I was looking for a job at a catering center. She said yeah, that would be good for me part time. Uusally, this would of made me angry, because I know my mother well enough that she thinks I can not handle a full time job. She is just alking about herself. I just responded full time mom. Usually her response would of been you have to be in contact with the disabilty office to see how much you can work. My mother gives jewish mothers, a bad name. I later asked her if she forgave me about the apologize, during the middle of the conversation. To me her response was "yes" it just seems like the most important thing to me in the convseration, didn't see important to her as much as I thought it should of has been. Part of me thinks she wants me to feel guilty about this for my whole life. My mom has a way of reminding me of every rotten thing I have ever done. And like her father, she holds GRUDGES.
When I told my mom I was gay in the past, her response was "oh" and the next thing out of her of her mouth was did you get your oil change. She just does NOT get it. Nobody is home.
She once told me her father has never forgivien me for being mean to her in the PAST. Truly, I am not a rotten person and I truly have never done anything that terrible that is unforgiveable
I think what is sad is I do not let myself realize that my mother is not incident in her role in this. My mom has done a lot of hurtful things to me over the years. I guess I am not in the mood to write much now. But my grandfather her father is the kind of guy who is bitter at the world. He seems to have something against everyone. Especially his own grandson. Growing up I have probably talked back to him here and there, nothing terrible. He was always mean, and even though I was a child and some with see it being disrespectful, I didn't appreciate being talk down to. And boy can he talk down. It wasn't until a couple of years ago until I told him what a rotten person I thought he was. I wasn't invited to there house the last couple thanksgiving, because about 4 or 5 years ago I wrote them a note telling them what I thought of them. I do not regret writing the letter. Everything I said about him and my grandmother is true. I remember visiting him when I was young. He always scared me. I remember peeing in my pants when I once went to his house to visit them. I guess it bothers me my mom NEVER stood up for me against him, but she said THEY ARE HER PARENTS, but I am her son. Where do I come in?? I am glad I see my therapist tomorrow to talk more about my mom. Maybe I need to focus on more why I am angry with her rather then beating myself up. But I need to take some responsbility for the way I acted toward her. I am pretty sure my shrink recently told me I am not going to change her, but I can change how I react to her. I have been doing this some and will continue to as I have a very LIMITED relationship with her.
Although I have had fallouts with my mother before. What I learned from her 1 month ago was I realized, she is really not going to change. And realize I am not going to have the mother I always wanted. I also have to keep remember I can't her, but how I react to her. I try to think of her as an annoying coworker.
Back to the day with my dad at the cabin. After running he took me hunting. I was bored out of my mind, but my dad enjoys it. Its where he shoots at these plastic balls. I have actually done some shooting, but never hunting. I could not shoot an animal. Although, my dad is a hunter its not everyday you find a jewish hunter. Sometimes if I wonder if my dad likes it or since he has taken early retirement, he is trying new things. Actually, I don't think its either. Although, my dad is almost 60. I do not think he has never really fit in anywhere. So he just wants to be a part of something. Kinda like me.
That's all for now. I am going to dinner with Aunt Ruth later this week, but this is an email I sent her recently. I am not going to edit it, this is exactly what I wrote. Great Aunt Ruth is my biggest cheerleader.
Before you read it, I just want to say thank you for reading my blog.
Stay tuned, and see ya tomorrow
Justin
Here it is:
Hi Aunt Ruth:
I know you like to talk over the phone to say things, but there is just some things I just feel better saying through email. I just want to tell you whether its going out to dinner with you or spending time at your apartment for the jewish holiday. I can't even explain to you how much I enjoy your company. Actually as soon as I got home I emailed my Dad and told him what a great time I had with you.
Sure, I kid around to him about you, but its only in an affectionate way. I TRULY think the world of you. Sometimes I am depressed, or sad, but whenever I am around you my worries go away and I am always happy. I use to go a forum where people would have light conservation and talk about life. I would always talk about my dinners with you on the forum. I would share the funny things that might happen at dinner or even the serious things. People would say things to me like, boy Auth Ruth sounds like a special person. Or others would say everyone could learn a lesson or to from her. Its the truth, you have a lot of good wisdom.
You know I once wrote on a forum when you talked about Howie Mandel and you said he has what I have "OCD" and you said look how successful he can be, you said I can do it to.. When I shared the story someone actually emailed me and they said they said they were really touched by that exchange we had. The person said they actually teared up a little.
I think you know how much I think of you. If you didn't you know now. I talk about you a lot. To my dad, the people at the animal shelter, when I was there, to friends, and to people I don't even know on the internet.
I still think you have quite a few good years left, but as I got in the car tonight and drove home. I started to cry a little. I thought I can't imagine NOT having you around and going out to dinner with every couple of weeks. My biggest regret in life would be if you leave this earth, and don't seem become the success that I will eventually become.
You know I don't go around telling people I am gay, I mention it here and there just so I feel more comfortable and less suffocated, but you were actually the first relative I really told that I could totally confide in. I am I am glad I did.
You know people can buy my gifts for my birthday and it doesn't mean it a whole lot to me. When I go out to dinner with you. I feel like everyday is my birthday.
Another thing I like about you is you always like the bit of an underdog. Maybe that's why Jimmy has always been your favorite. Can you move Jimmy to #2. I want to be your favorite .;-)
Love
Justin
I thought about my post from yesterday and realized how choppy it was. I apologize. I guess when you are starting a blog and you have a lot to say you sometime start in the middle.
I still think some of my post will stilll be choppy because when you are talking about your life not everything is in order.
Anyway, today is Sunday and I am still at my dad's cabin. I leave tomorrow morning and head back to Cleveland. I am going back to his cabin in about a week, for his 60th birthday. There are going to be tons of people here.
Today, I started my day with a 7 mile run. Somedays I run 10 miles. It is one of the few breaks I get from the OCD that tortures my head. Even when running it still bothers me some. I have always thought OCD was like Madonna, it keeps finding ways to reinvent itself. Today as I was running. I was ruminating again about the incident that happened with my mother. I kept thinking has it been 3 weeks since I was being cruel to her or was it 5 weeks. I think I know which one its closer to, but I decide to keep beating myself up about it. I guess I forget that I apologized, realized I goofed up, and how I have been talking to my therapist constantly how I could of handled it better. See some people would of fogiven and moved on after something like this after a couple of days and keep living there life. I get stuck in a guilt induced coma. I STOP living. My behavior becomes a pattern of existing
I talked my therapist about this, and I told him I do read into thing too much into things in general. But not always. When I called my mom a few days ago and left a sincere apology on her machine. She called me back later that day. I thought the first thing she would say on the machine was, I accept your apology. Instead, she asked me how my cats were doing. As I was trying to tell me therapist what happened with the call. I told him I am trying to be as honest as possible, but I do not think she ever asked me how I was doing. I remember she asked me how my cats were doing?? I said fine. Then she later asked me what was new. I believe when I told my doc this, I said asking me what was new is kind of like asking me how I am doing. I believe he said no, it really is not. I later told her I was looking for a job at a catering center. She said yeah, that would be good for me part time. Uusally, this would of made me angry, because I know my mother well enough that she thinks I can not handle a full time job. She is just alking about herself. I just responded full time mom. Usually her response would of been you have to be in contact with the disabilty office to see how much you can work. My mother gives jewish mothers, a bad name. I later asked her if she forgave me about the apologize, during the middle of the conversation. To me her response was "yes" it just seems like the most important thing to me in the convseration, didn't see important to her as much as I thought it should of has been. Part of me thinks she wants me to feel guilty about this for my whole life. My mom has a way of reminding me of every rotten thing I have ever done. And like her father, she holds GRUDGES.
When I told my mom I was gay in the past, her response was "oh" and the next thing out of her of her mouth was did you get your oil change. She just does NOT get it. Nobody is home.
She once told me her father has never forgivien me for being mean to her in the PAST. Truly, I am not a rotten person and I truly have never done anything that terrible that is unforgiveable
I think what is sad is I do not let myself realize that my mother is not incident in her role in this. My mom has done a lot of hurtful things to me over the years. I guess I am not in the mood to write much now. But my grandfather her father is the kind of guy who is bitter at the world. He seems to have something against everyone. Especially his own grandson. Growing up I have probably talked back to him here and there, nothing terrible. He was always mean, and even though I was a child and some with see it being disrespectful, I didn't appreciate being talk down to. And boy can he talk down. It wasn't until a couple of years ago until I told him what a rotten person I thought he was. I wasn't invited to there house the last couple thanksgiving, because about 4 or 5 years ago I wrote them a note telling them what I thought of them. I do not regret writing the letter. Everything I said about him and my grandmother is true. I remember visiting him when I was young. He always scared me. I remember peeing in my pants when I once went to his house to visit them. I guess it bothers me my mom NEVER stood up for me against him, but she said THEY ARE HER PARENTS, but I am her son. Where do I come in?? I am glad I see my therapist tomorrow to talk more about my mom. Maybe I need to focus on more why I am angry with her rather then beating myself up. But I need to take some responsbility for the way I acted toward her. I am pretty sure my shrink recently told me I am not going to change her, but I can change how I react to her. I have been doing this some and will continue to as I have a very LIMITED relationship with her.
Although I have had fallouts with my mother before. What I learned from her 1 month ago was I realized, she is really not going to change. And realize I am not going to have the mother I always wanted. I also have to keep remember I can't her, but how I react to her. I try to think of her as an annoying coworker.
Back to the day with my dad at the cabin. After running he took me hunting. I was bored out of my mind, but my dad enjoys it. Its where he shoots at these plastic balls. I have actually done some shooting, but never hunting. I could not shoot an animal. Although, my dad is a hunter its not everyday you find a jewish hunter. Sometimes if I wonder if my dad likes it or since he has taken early retirement, he is trying new things. Actually, I don't think its either. Although, my dad is almost 60. I do not think he has never really fit in anywhere. So he just wants to be a part of something. Kinda like me.
That's all for now. I am going to dinner with Aunt Ruth later this week, but this is an email I sent her recently. I am not going to edit it, this is exactly what I wrote. Great Aunt Ruth is my biggest cheerleader.
Before you read it, I just want to say thank you for reading my blog.
Stay tuned, and see ya tomorrow
Justin
Here it is:
Hi Aunt Ruth:
I know you like to talk over the phone to say things, but there is just some things I just feel better saying through email. I just want to tell you whether its going out to dinner with you or spending time at your apartment for the jewish holiday. I can't even explain to you how much I enjoy your company. Actually as soon as I got home I emailed my Dad and told him what a great time I had with you.
Sure, I kid around to him about you, but its only in an affectionate way. I TRULY think the world of you. Sometimes I am depressed, or sad, but whenever I am around you my worries go away and I am always happy. I use to go a forum where people would have light conservation and talk about life. I would always talk about my dinners with you on the forum. I would share the funny things that might happen at dinner or even the serious things. People would say things to me like, boy Auth Ruth sounds like a special person. Or others would say everyone could learn a lesson or to from her. Its the truth, you have a lot of good wisdom.
You know I once wrote on a forum when you talked about Howie Mandel and you said he has what I have "OCD" and you said look how successful he can be, you said I can do it to.. When I shared the story someone actually emailed me and they said they said they were really touched by that exchange we had. The person said they actually teared up a little.
I think you know how much I think of you. If you didn't you know now. I talk about you a lot. To my dad, the people at the animal shelter, when I was there, to friends, and to people I don't even know on the internet.
I still think you have quite a few good years left, but as I got in the car tonight and drove home. I started to cry a little. I thought I can't imagine NOT having you around and going out to dinner with every couple of weeks. My biggest regret in life would be if you leave this earth, and don't seem become the success that I will eventually become.
You know I don't go around telling people I am gay, I mention it here and there just so I feel more comfortable and less suffocated, but you were actually the first relative I really told that I could totally confide in. I am I am glad I did.
You know people can buy my gifts for my birthday and it doesn't mean it a whole lot to me. When I go out to dinner with you. I feel like everyday is my birthday.
Another thing I like about you is you always like the bit of an underdog. Maybe that's why Jimmy has always been your favorite. Can you move Jimmy to #2. I want to be your favorite .;-)
Love
Justin
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Gotta start somewhere!
Hi There
I thought of keeping my own diary/journal, but I have decided to blog instead. I think because there has to be someone out there who relates to me at some level. If not I still think I am interesting at some level.
My biggest concern about creating a blog is that I do not know how to write. Ever since I was child I was in every learning disabilty program possible known to man. I was never a good student and my weakest subject ever was English., honestly I was lucky enough to even get a D in that class.
I really didn't want to write a lot in my first blog, but I seem to have a lot to share.
My name is Justin and I hope you will continue to read my journey, because my life seems to be a journey, but so is everyones. I use to post on a forum and discuss light fluffy topics. Sometimes I would even talk about my Aunt Ruth. A few people told me I should write short stories about her. Some of the people told me I was witty. I hope the person who told me that compliment meant it. Because it meant a lot to me and I feel likes its the first real compliment I have ever gotten in my life. I will share my Aunt Ruth stories on the blog after each time I visit Aunt Ruth. I go to dinner with her every about every 2 weeks. She is a riot/ I think when you hear my Aunt Ruth stories you will laugh and cry with me, but if you decide to read my blog on a regular basis. There is a good chance you will laugh, cry, smile, be disappointed in me, be proud of me, be annoyed, be angry, probably every emotion possible. Although, I think some of my post with be about life. I will try to share some funny stories as well. Although today's blog is not all that funny.
Ok a little more about me. I am 28 years old and I am have OCD(obsessive compulsive disorder) I am also gay. This is a huge deal to me, but no one else seems to care that I am. The last 3 years have been better for me. Prior to that my life was a living hell. You really do not want to know the living hell part.
I am a person all about self-doubt, low self esteem, with no real friends and someone who has isolated himself for the last 10 years because he had trouble excepting his sexuality as well as dealing with his OCD and poor self perspective and always caring too much what others think.
So today I began a new chapter of my life. Discussing my life with strangers. In creating this blog. I decided to be brutally honest. I think one thing in my life that has held be back is I have never been able to be honest with myself. I people please, and its only been self destructive.
Today is 10/27/07 and the blogging begins NOW:
Today is Saturday. I decided to spend the weekend with my dad in Penn. Our relationship in the past has been sour, but over the last 3 months we have re-estaablished a relationship. Actually, in an email that I sent to him a few months ago I came "out" to him I knew that he knew I struggled with he issues, but this time I came clean.
For the first time in my life I felt like my dad and I connected when I came "out" to him. I sort of lied in the email to him, when I sent it. I told him its the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. There is some truth in it, but part is bullshit. I am happier now then I have been in the past, but I am truly not happy YET.
Anyway, I am with him at his cabin in Cook Forrest, Pa. He calls it a cabin, but its more like a house. I have never been to Aspen, but it looks like what a house or cabin would be there. I wish I was in a relationship with someone so I could go skiing with them in Colorado. I like to ski.
I see a therapist 3 times a week and before I left today I had an appointment with my doc. My therapist is cool. He is in his mid 40's, with a clean beard and thin build. The only time I feel safe is when I am in his office. I feel same blogging though.
I no longer have much of a relationship with my mother, but about a month ago ended it(dates are aprrox, I have ruminated about the dates from the drive from Cleveland to Penn all 2 and half hours, and music did NOT help) You might understand why later
As you will see in my post. My mind gets stuck around my OCD. Sometimes you will see the OCD in my posts. I actually thinks its been close to 5 weeks since I had the falling out with her, but part of me thinks its approaching the almost 4 week time period. What difference does it make?? Who the FUCK knows, but thats OCD for you.
Anyway, we fought over the phone. By all accounts people I think people think I am nice guy(I have overheard people say it) But that day about 4 weeks ago :-) I got in a fight with my mom over the phone. It lasted an entire weekend. Although, yesterday I called her for the first time to apologize. I still feel guilty about it. I called her every name in the book and then some. I had really had it with her, its hard for me to even realize how CRAZY I sounded. It didn't sound like me and if you didn't know me You would say this kid is off kildare, the thing is I am not. Its hard to describe why I do not like my mom. I think its because she always seems to put me last, she doesn't think I can do anything. she thinks I am still 5. If she could read my bedtime stories she would. But I just turned 28 DAMN IT! In later blogs I will be able to help describe the reason I do not care for my mother. Oops. Maybe I just did.
Although, I said a lot of ROTTEN THINGS to my mother during this fight. The one I have been holding on to like crazy is this one. My dad is a hunter and I told her I was going to borrow his gun and "kill her" The thing is I would never do such a thing. Although, I was enraged with her at the time. I would not act on it. My old doc who I would see every once in awhile was just for medication updates was concerned, he treated me like he was a police officer. My therapist the one I see 3 times a weekk was not concerned at all about me acting on it. Actually, most people I told were not CONCERNED! Most people told me people say a lot of things when they are angry, it does not make it right, and it does not mean you will act on it either. One lady i know said, Justin, give yourself a break already OVER EVERYTHING.
Well getting back to spending time with my dad. I have been unhappy ever since I got here. All I think about what I did to my month a or so ago. So many people have told me to LET IT GO. I am still working on it.
Tonight, we went out to eat. It was okay. I went with my dad and his buddies. They were nice. Since I am so consumed with people's everyword. At dinner as I was ruminating about how I acted toward my mom about a month ago. I became very reserved And standoffish, someof the time, although, I did talk some. I heard the men talking and in front of my face I heard them say "So and so has no personality" Then the whole night became a rumination about me thinking I have no personality. Although, I can not be certain logically thinking it was probably about someone else and not me. They just met me(I have to remind myself everything is not about me) I totally ruined the whole night because I concentrated on something that probably wasn't about me. The thing is I have a lot of personality, but I have been struggling a lot with a lot of my worries fears/worries and obsessions. My biggest fear is people will not think I have a personality.
Perosnalities are important. They make friendships and romances. If I do not have one what good am I and what is the purpose of life("(do not worry. I am not about suicide. I enjoy being a work in progress and figuring myself out So after I became consumed with that I relaxed some, although the fight with my mom was still in the back of my head and more of personality came out. I was worried I was "trying too hard" I guess I am upset because I got home and was angry at myself. I can't even begin to tell you how upset I am with myself. Even though some of my personality came out, I still was not myself. I came across reserved. The true Justin is the life of the party. I haven't been the life of the partY, since I did karaoke at my friend's Bar Mtizvah to sur mix a lot's. "I like big butts"
Well, I am ending the blog for today. I feel a little like Mr. Belveder a little.
I hope you will continue reading my blog, maybe you can relate, maybe you can not. But hopefully you will find me interesting.
Hopefully my future blogs, will not be as long, but I had to introduce myself.
btw... I am a big jogger/runner wanted to throw that in. Not sure why. I could probably could compete if I wanted to.
Stay Tuned(always wanted to say that, will tell you why later)
Justin aka A work in progress.
I thought of keeping my own diary/journal, but I have decided to blog instead. I think because there has to be someone out there who relates to me at some level. If not I still think I am interesting at some level.
My biggest concern about creating a blog is that I do not know how to write. Ever since I was child I was in every learning disabilty program possible known to man. I was never a good student and my weakest subject ever was English., honestly I was lucky enough to even get a D in that class.
I really didn't want to write a lot in my first blog, but I seem to have a lot to share.
My name is Justin and I hope you will continue to read my journey, because my life seems to be a journey, but so is everyones. I use to post on a forum and discuss light fluffy topics. Sometimes I would even talk about my Aunt Ruth. A few people told me I should write short stories about her. Some of the people told me I was witty. I hope the person who told me that compliment meant it. Because it meant a lot to me and I feel likes its the first real compliment I have ever gotten in my life. I will share my Aunt Ruth stories on the blog after each time I visit Aunt Ruth. I go to dinner with her every about every 2 weeks. She is a riot/ I think when you hear my Aunt Ruth stories you will laugh and cry with me, but if you decide to read my blog on a regular basis. There is a good chance you will laugh, cry, smile, be disappointed in me, be proud of me, be annoyed, be angry, probably every emotion possible. Although, I think some of my post with be about life. I will try to share some funny stories as well. Although today's blog is not all that funny.
Ok a little more about me. I am 28 years old and I am have OCD(obsessive compulsive disorder) I am also gay. This is a huge deal to me, but no one else seems to care that I am. The last 3 years have been better for me. Prior to that my life was a living hell. You really do not want to know the living hell part.
I am a person all about self-doubt, low self esteem, with no real friends and someone who has isolated himself for the last 10 years because he had trouble excepting his sexuality as well as dealing with his OCD and poor self perspective and always caring too much what others think.
So today I began a new chapter of my life. Discussing my life with strangers. In creating this blog. I decided to be brutally honest. I think one thing in my life that has held be back is I have never been able to be honest with myself. I people please, and its only been self destructive.
Today is 10/27/07 and the blogging begins NOW:
Today is Saturday. I decided to spend the weekend with my dad in Penn. Our relationship in the past has been sour, but over the last 3 months we have re-estaablished a relationship. Actually, in an email that I sent to him a few months ago I came "out" to him I knew that he knew I struggled with he issues, but this time I came clean.
For the first time in my life I felt like my dad and I connected when I came "out" to him. I sort of lied in the email to him, when I sent it. I told him its the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. There is some truth in it, but part is bullshit. I am happier now then I have been in the past, but I am truly not happy YET.
Anyway, I am with him at his cabin in Cook Forrest, Pa. He calls it a cabin, but its more like a house. I have never been to Aspen, but it looks like what a house or cabin would be there. I wish I was in a relationship with someone so I could go skiing with them in Colorado. I like to ski.
I see a therapist 3 times a week and before I left today I had an appointment with my doc. My therapist is cool. He is in his mid 40's, with a clean beard and thin build. The only time I feel safe is when I am in his office. I feel same blogging though.
I no longer have much of a relationship with my mother, but about a month ago ended it(dates are aprrox, I have ruminated about the dates from the drive from Cleveland to Penn all 2 and half hours, and music did NOT help) You might understand why later
As you will see in my post. My mind gets stuck around my OCD. Sometimes you will see the OCD in my posts. I actually thinks its been close to 5 weeks since I had the falling out with her, but part of me thinks its approaching the almost 4 week time period. What difference does it make?? Who the FUCK knows, but thats OCD for you.
Anyway, we fought over the phone. By all accounts people I think people think I am nice guy(I have overheard people say it) But that day about 4 weeks ago :-) I got in a fight with my mom over the phone. It lasted an entire weekend. Although, yesterday I called her for the first time to apologize. I still feel guilty about it. I called her every name in the book and then some. I had really had it with her, its hard for me to even realize how CRAZY I sounded. It didn't sound like me and if you didn't know me You would say this kid is off kildare, the thing is I am not. Its hard to describe why I do not like my mom. I think its because she always seems to put me last, she doesn't think I can do anything. she thinks I am still 5. If she could read my bedtime stories she would. But I just turned 28 DAMN IT! In later blogs I will be able to help describe the reason I do not care for my mother. Oops. Maybe I just did.
Although, I said a lot of ROTTEN THINGS to my mother during this fight. The one I have been holding on to like crazy is this one. My dad is a hunter and I told her I was going to borrow his gun and "kill her" The thing is I would never do such a thing. Although, I was enraged with her at the time. I would not act on it. My old doc who I would see every once in awhile was just for medication updates was concerned, he treated me like he was a police officer. My therapist the one I see 3 times a weekk was not concerned at all about me acting on it. Actually, most people I told were not CONCERNED! Most people told me people say a lot of things when they are angry, it does not make it right, and it does not mean you will act on it either. One lady i know said, Justin, give yourself a break already OVER EVERYTHING.
Well getting back to spending time with my dad. I have been unhappy ever since I got here. All I think about what I did to my month a or so ago. So many people have told me to LET IT GO. I am still working on it.
Tonight, we went out to eat. It was okay. I went with my dad and his buddies. They were nice. Since I am so consumed with people's everyword. At dinner as I was ruminating about how I acted toward my mom about a month ago. I became very reserved And standoffish, someof the time, although, I did talk some. I heard the men talking and in front of my face I heard them say "So and so has no personality" Then the whole night became a rumination about me thinking I have no personality. Although, I can not be certain logically thinking it was probably about someone else and not me. They just met me(I have to remind myself everything is not about me) I totally ruined the whole night because I concentrated on something that probably wasn't about me. The thing is I have a lot of personality, but I have been struggling a lot with a lot of my worries fears/worries and obsessions. My biggest fear is people will not think I have a personality.
Perosnalities are important. They make friendships and romances. If I do not have one what good am I and what is the purpose of life("(do not worry. I am not about suicide. I enjoy being a work in progress and figuring myself out So after I became consumed with that I relaxed some, although the fight with my mom was still in the back of my head and more of personality came out. I was worried I was "trying too hard" I guess I am upset because I got home and was angry at myself. I can't even begin to tell you how upset I am with myself. Even though some of my personality came out, I still was not myself. I came across reserved. The true Justin is the life of the party. I haven't been the life of the partY, since I did karaoke at my friend's Bar Mtizvah to sur mix a lot's. "I like big butts"
Well, I am ending the blog for today. I feel a little like Mr. Belveder a little.
I hope you will continue reading my blog, maybe you can relate, maybe you can not. But hopefully you will find me interesting.
Hopefully my future blogs, will not be as long, but I had to introduce myself.
btw... I am a big jogger/runner wanted to throw that in. Not sure why. I could probably could compete if I wanted to.
Stay Tuned(always wanted to say that, will tell you why later)
Justin aka A work in progress.
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