11/21/07 Not quite the personality

Hey Guys:

Just a quick blog, because I am not much in the mood to blog. A few weeks ago, my dad and I were talking about careers and what I want to do in the future. My dream as a little kid was always to be a local tv reporter as a 28 year old I want this to be my reality. I know I have only finished a year and half of college, but I can always go back.

A lot of the reason I dropped out was because of depression, ocd and anxiety. And not because I am lazy. As we chatted my dad told me not to go into local television or radio. He said it was WAY too competitive, in some way some of his reasoning is something to consider. He also wants me to be realistic.

Instead, he said when the time is right he would like to help me open/buy a dunkin' donuts. The thing is I have no interest in business or opening a dunkin' donuts. I think this is his what he interested in. He is always looking for projects, since he retired.

In the last few years I have made a ton of progress and I have the right therapist now, who is helping me a ton. Somedays I feel like I am starting and square one, but you have to remember that there will always be some setbacks in progress.

My dad said I have a nice personality, but not the right personality for local tv news. Maybe he is right. But I am spending way too much fantazing about/thinking about it. I should just move ahead if I am really interested.

I have talked to some local tv personalities and from what I gather its VERY TOUGH. But a lot of things in my life have been TOUGH. From what I gather about local radio/local television is a lot of it is has to with being in the right place, at the right time. And knowing the right people.

The United States his huge, aand there are tons of small local tv markets to start in.

My dad said to me when we were having this talk about being a local tv reporter, he said "C'mon Justin, what do you really know about being a reporter??". In truth, Not much. But I can learn if I get back in school. My question for him(although, I did not ask) is what do I know about opening a Dunkin' Donuts??. I know nothing about the food industry and how to run it or a business. I guess I could learn, but my dad likes business. And Dunkin' seems like his dream, not mine.

My dad told me recently that most of the world does not have the luxury to be analytical, this is probably true. But since he retired, he sure seems to have a lot of time to be analytical of me.

Lately, I have been a little bit more phobic then usual. My therapist said today I am spending a little too much time with my dad, I concur. He said I was doing better when I wasn't talking to him as much. I am not going to stop, just keep remembering that some distance is okay.

Stay close
Justin

11/18/07 "MY FACE"

Hey Guys:

Yesterday, My dad called me and asked me if I would help him with a favor. I told him no problem.

Then most of the day I spent with him. He took me to lunch and we actually had a good time. At lunch he was actually very supportive for the most part and he said Justin, you are my current work-in-progress, I think he understands my struggles and told me its just taking me a little longer to get where I want to be, but eventually I will get there, and have the last laugh. I think he is right.

I realize I torture myself about everything and do need to, but still do anyways. I think part of the reason I do is because even though I was hospitalized over 3+ years I have set up my own stigma that I always have to have some sort of OCD and be constantly worrying. When I do not worry I panic. Most people just panic when they worry.

I guess one thing I am worried/obsessing about and one thing I am starting to panic about is after some intense talking about life and jobs early in the week with my father. I have been starting to question myself about everything. I mean everything.

I think my dad sometimes forgets my life is just that, my life. He wants to create my interest, hobbies, personality, career, ettituqte(he corrects everyone this, but he would be the first person to give you a dutch oven) So in return, I keep asking myself questions. I am an avid runner/jogger. Now I keep debating if the time that I go running would be a suitable time that my dad would like?? I just created a myspace page, and I emailed one of the lesser known courtroom judges(David Young) & also asked him to be my friend. His personality is a little snarky, so I emailed him and told him I like his snarky style, & added a smiley face. I keep thinking would my dad think its suitable, because I guess calling someone snarky could be a little mean spirited, but Judge Judy is quite snarky :-)

I have been talking to my therapist about this and we were talking about being assertive and how important it is.

I dunno. I am getting worried. My obsession about worrying that everyone is going to scream at me, is coming back. I went into my therapy session yesterday and told my therapist how earlier in the session I wanted to ask him for a kleenex, but told him I would not, because I thought he might might yell at me. When I told him this, he was even taken aback. I could tell he was empathic, but he was like "what?" Sometimes I am frightened to say hello to someone or ask them what time it is, because I think they may yell/scream.

Sometimes I wonder how I am able to to run 7 days a week, usually 7 miles a day. I am starting to get it now. I always have a plate of anxiety in me, it really does not go away when I run. Sadly, I am somewhat vain, I feel like if my appearance fades, no one will have any interest in me. In truth, I do not share my OCD with friends much & I know and my personality is more of a strong point then my appearance.

I keep trying to create a "perfect personality" but I keep failing. Wonder why??(No such thing) I am what I am. I friend of mine said Martha Stewart seems PERFECT. I said really?? She has been to jail, she is difficult, and had a failed marriage(even if it wasn't her fault) So she makes a great stawberry shortcake who gives a FUCK??

I think its okay to go with the flow, like if a bunch of friends want to go see a movie you do not want to go to, but I seem to agree with people on things that is an okay to a different opinion on. Like opinions. I REALLY need to work on this.

I also have talked a little to my doc about this, but I have something that I call "risdual OCD" my therapist asked me if this is aactual term, I said I do not know. I will explain later how it affects me.

On a funny note, I sent my dad my, my space page. When I saw him later in the day he told me he thought it was cool. Probably because I put him as my hero.

But as he was talking to me about my space. He kept referring into as MYFACE in a serious tone(roll eyes)



2 and 2
Justin

11/16/07 Sometimes you have to SCREW OCD......

and join the freakin' party!

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=61173259

Photos I want to share. 11/16/07

Highlight the link. Press control c, and then v

Here is a recent pic of me

http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s14/kx1979/002.jpg

Here a picture of my 2 cats. Meiko and Quienten. I volunteered at an animal shelter for about 2 years. Meiko I have had for about 6 years. Quienten I picked up at the shelter.



http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s14/kx1979/005.jpg

Meiko has a bit of a vampire tooth in the pic.

http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s14/kx1979/001.jpg

Quienten

11/16/07 Back by popular demand

Hi Guys:

I stopped blogging for awhile because I didn't think anyone was really reading it, but I got a great email and I thought I should keep at it. I probably will not blog everyday, because writing is difficult for me(a lot has to do with my OCD)

Anyway, I have only been talking to my dad for about 4+ months and now I kind of know why I stopped talking to the guy in the first place. He is IMPOSSIBLE, but in many ways I am just like him.

Well, anyway, yesterday he was helping me fill out job applications and we did it over the phone. I now realize I can do this myself. I didn't talk to my dad for about 1.5 years and for about 4 months of that time period I would not talk to anyone. Because I thought everyone was going to scream at me. My dad is a big SCREAMER. As I talked to him yesterday and I filled out the applications with him over the phone. He was correcting everything I was saying. I swear to God, every freakin sentence he would cut me off. I am still frazzled by this today and still worry I might not be able to talk to people like I did for that 4 month time period.

We were filling out an application to Borders, he said Justin, I do not think you can get a job there. He has told me before I am unable to work at Borders. He said you need to be well read. I said I kind of am. He said I do not think you could.

I emailed him before about the Borders thing, because I thought he was implying that I was not smart. He said it has nothing to do with that. So yesterday, I honestly am not sure if he told me I was not stupid, but I asked him can I not get this job, because I am stupid. NOW HE WAS YELLING. I NEVER SAID YOU WERE FREAKIN' STUPID. Then my OCD kicked in, because I took the word NOT out and said again, you think I am STUPID???? His reply you are NOT F-U-C-K-I-N-G stupid. Thanks dad, now I feel better :)

Then he helped me fill out some applications for some airlines to become a FA. I dress neatly, he said Justin, I am NOT PICKING on you, but if you want this job, those shoes have to be TIED. After the convseration ended he said Justin, I think you should get a job at a radio station. A few weeks ago he had a 2 hour discussion with me, how I should stay away from local tv and local radio. His reasoning was actually good, but now I am confused.

I swear this conversation took place. I once recently driving with my dad, and he told me in the car that some people are FUCKED up and do not know, he said he is FUCKED UP, but at least he knows it. That gave me some kind of relief. He also told me he is a bit of a maniac. I love the guy, he is just difficult.

I am kind odd like him. Recently I wrote him an email and here is what I wrote.
My email
Hey:

You are right it does look there are snow clouds out. But its not cold enough to snow. Hope hunting went well.

I want to give a special thanks to your sperm and you good genes. God, you produced one handsome child.

His response:
Justin,

I'm sorry to tell you that I'm not your father. I revealed this to Eric several years ago but had been waiting for the right time to tell you. Now is the time. Your real father is Mr. Jingleling. Your mother really liked his Christmas show. I guess she had a rendezvous with him on Halle's 7th floor. (I'm not sure if you are old enough to remember all this.) I guess he was sorta of a handsome guy. But, Justin, I still love you as if you were my own flesh and blood. Don't forget that.

"Dad"

I told him about the joke and said some people thought it was odd, but I thought it was funny. I called my mom about this since I have not talk to her in a wild. She said your father is weird, you were consamted in VEGAS.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone here watched "The Daily Buzz" its a syndicated morning show in about 40% of the country. Its a great pick me up to get your morning started

2 and 2
Justin

11/02/07 Having a bad day

Hi There:

I am having a hard time. It hard for me to write when my writing obsessions bother me.

Today I took my sedation medication around 11am and slept close to 4pm. While I usually take it around 7 pm(when I go to bed) The last week I have been taking it around 3 or 4 pm, so I can go to sleep. It takes me out of my misery. While I do not feel as though I am addicted to the medication. I need to be careful. I will probably take it tonight again at the normal time.

My worry about my voice sounding gay bothers me every single second of every day(It TRULY leaves me agoraphobic at times) Its driving me nuts, sometimes sleep is the only peace I get. I do realize that part of it is pure obsession the other part is the struggle I am having excepting I am a gay man.

I talked to my dad today. He is 60 today. I wished him a Happy Birthday. On a sad note, his girlfriend was hit by a SEMI(yes, a semi). Thankfully, she was not injured(just minor scratches). Her car was totaled though. She could of been killed. I find the whole accident upsetting. It just made me realize that life is short. While I was talking to my dad, I discussed with him how I feel like I need a different SSRI, because lately nothing seems to be helping. He went into this whole thing how I should not be diagnosing myself(I wasn't) and how I should not being taking these kind of medications. He said they "dull" you out. I realized talking to him about medication, is not smart because it makes me more depressed. When he said the word "dull" I remember when I went out to dinner with him and his buddies about a week ago and they were talking about somebody who has no personality(When he said the word "dull" today, I kept thinking it was me they were talking about. Maybe I am just being paranoid)

I feel like I could use a big hug today. Just like I felt like Greg Louganis could use one after reading his autobiography. I feel like crying.

I know the hardest person someone is on is usually themselves. I think part of the reason I sedate myself, is because years ago I bothered people a lot about my voice obsession. Now when I tell people about it(If I even do) I do up in a much more mature & appropiate way and am not annoying about it. I still feel like I am a burden on people with my voice obsession That is why I sedate.

Sometimes I think I need to give myself a break.

Lost, lonely and and frustrated.
Justin

11/01/07 Another good story

(I will spell check later, too lazy right now)

Hey There:

I have another good story for you guys, but before I get to it. Let me first tell you a little about my day, yesterday. I took my sleeping meds around 3pm and slept to 5am. I feel refreshed, but I can tell I am avoiding a good part of my day by doing this.

This past spring and over the summer I had a job babysitting for a family. I finally quit because the kids behavior was too out of control for me. Anyway, as I was out running about a week ago the lady who I was use to sit for honked at me. I waved. I then called her and told her that from time to time I think about the kids. As bad as they were I do sort of miss them. On the message I also stated I wouldn't mind babysitting from time to time, but I do not think I could handle it on a regular basis. She called me back and told me the kids miss me as well, and she would be more then happy to have me be back. Who wouldn't ;) Who else is going to watch the rugrats anyway? I actually remember when I quit. She was crying, I am not sure if she was crying because she just lost a babysitter or because she genuinely thought she lost a good caretaker for her kids. I would like to think the latter. Who knows, who cares? I am just glad to be back and I am sure she is as well. The money is nice to.

Okay, on to the funny story when I was at Mclean's hospital in Boston, we did a thing for OCD called exposure-reponse(prevention) therapy its suppose to decenaztize yourself to certain thoughts. Well, since I have been struggling with my sexuality so much. I decided to buy some gay publications, and put them outside my apartment door. Buying the magazine was a little hard at first, but even that I got decentaize to. I remember one day though when I was at Borders, buying them. The clerk was driving me nuts. He kept saying to you want a Borders reward card??, Do you drink coffee?? because you get a free coffee with the purchase, are you a school teacher?, because they get a discount. I just wanted to say shut the fuck up and let me buy the magazine already. Then when I bought it he flipped through and put a borders bookmark in. Sheesh!

Anyway, back to the story, the clerk story is good as well. It would of been funnier if you were standing next to me though. There is a lot of traffic by my apartment door, because most people have to pass my apartment to get to there apartment.

Well, since buying the gay magazineS EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM has been taken. I usually left "out" outside, I think once I left the "Advocate" and one other time I left one I do not remember the title. It was pretty risque and I remember turning through the pages and them making me slightly horny, it was also $9.00. YIKES!

Here are my assumptions why the magazines has been taken. I could be right and I could be wrong. There are curious people in my building(Straight or gay), people who clean the apartment complex think I am done with it, so they just throw it away, someone could be thinking someone is playing a trick on me, so they remove or maybe there are a few homophobes in my complex. I really dunno. One time when it was NOT taken it was turned upside down. Othertimes I became frustrated and wrote a note to do not remove magazine. It was STILL taken. Another time when I was frustrated I wrote a note, "Justin, thanks for letting me borrow the magazine. Todd" I wake up the next morning and the magazine is still there, but I thought who the FUCK is Todd??

I wonder if "out" has any idea, while there sales have gone up so much in the last month.

Anyway, I have decided not to leave any more gay publications outside my door. I now keep one in the back of my car, near the window. Now its pretty much visible to anyone who is behind me.

I see my therapist today. Thank God. I am like counting down the hours. I am proud of myself. I have not called him in 3 days. I think this is the first time I have not done this starting with him in several months. Maybe its because I started this blog, and I get to dump all my feelings on you :)

Back in 2 and 2(Gotta love Chuck)
Justin

(When I end each blog. I use a catch phrases from tv. Since I have been a little boy I have always wanted to be a local tv reporter. I do not want to be a an actor or celebrity. I want to be a local tv reporter. There are a lot of reasons why, and I think for all the right reasons. I have the personality, It would boost my self confidence, I love tv news, I like people, I like telling stories, I like being active in the community, but most importantly I am compassionate and able to present empathy and sympathy when its appropatie. I have told people about what I want to do, but everyone responds with its way to competitve. All I know is I cry daily about this, I guess because its something I want it so badly. And its not a WHA-WHA cry either)