Hi There:
Before I post today I have to say that some of my other OCD symptoms have resurged quite a bit today. I guess the whole trip with my dad caused me a lot of anxiety & when my anxiety increasess my OCD flares.
Lately, I have been moody NOT with other people, but rather with myself. I went to Mclean hopsital for my OCD a little over 3 years ago. Even though I am million times before then I was, I still struggle a ton. OCD is tiring, annoying and draining.
Anyway, before I left my dad's cabin today. I tripped over my gym bag this morning. I am a bit of a Kluts anyway. I usually never have physical pain, just lots of mental pain. I have to be honest, my shoulder kills me right now, but when I hit the floor today, athough I was in physical pain, just for a second I was able to get my mind off my mental obsessions. Then I got a late start from my dad's cabin(my fault) Then I was late to my therapist office. 30 minutes LATE. He is a nice guy and let me stay and extra 15. So I got about 40 minutes in total.
One thing that has annoyed me about my OCD since I got back from Mcleans have been the strategies and techniques that I learned there. I understand all about erp/cbt, but what we also learned there, is sometimes you have to sit with the thought and kind of let it hang out. I have always found that these method contradict each other and it frustrates me to no end.
Like I use to obsess quite often where commas and periods go when writing. This doesn't bother me all that much anymore. But once in awhile it does. Today it does. Actually for about 2 years, I never even wrote anything on paper, because I was so fearful of writing. Now I let the writing thought come in and just kind of let it hang out. I continue writing, and it still bothers me, but it eventually dies down some. Its more like its in the back of head kind of feeling. If I follow the Mclean rule of thought I should write a paragraph and make tons of punctuation mistakes and it should desensitize me some to the fear. Its not just with writing. I do this with a thought of stuff, I am always questioning if I am handling my OCD properly. So I guess I obsess about obsessing. I know the OCD disorder is the disorder of doubt, but I feel like its doing a double whammy on me. Its playing on the techniques and strategies that are suppose to make me better(sigh)
For me, excepting that I am gay is very difficult. For a long time I was trying to avoid it. Avoidance is a bad thing when it comes to OCD. So for the last 14 years I have obsessed about my voice sounding effeminate or sterotypically gay. Instead of dealing with my sexuality head on. Now that I am dealing with my sexuality head on the voice obsession STILL bothers me, but not as much as it use to. If fyou heard my voice, you would probably laugh, because it sounds anything but effeminate, it actually sounds very masculine and I have been told it sounds radiosh, yet I am still consumed it with it sounding effeminate. In my early 20's I literally became a MUTE. The only people I would talk to would be my mother and father and I mean that was really if I had to. I am not like that anymore and able to talk freely, but there are times I probably limit my communication with others when the voice obsession bothers me . I have tried in many ways not give this thought POWER, but I keep thinking it sounds sterotypically gay or effeminate. Yet after 14 years, it still hanging in there. Somedays this thought is just BRUTAL and plays 24-7
Its about 5:30pm here and although I am not addicted to sedation medication. I sometimes take them around this time. I can usually sleep for a good 12 hours after taking them. Frankly, I understand why people deal with pain by doing drugs and drinking. Sometimes you just want to deaden it.
I know this sounds sad and I am glad I am young, but the only time I am happy is when I am sleeping, reading or running. Every other part of my day is just a total headache.
I have been checking my blog and I know it takes awhile for people to start looking at them, but I think since I started I have maybe gotten 10 hits.
Could someone just a comment or 2, so I do not feel like I am writing to nobody.
Writing what I jus wrote was very hard. Not because I was talking about my issues, but because of the period, commas, and other things that come into play when writing.
I guess I am also grouchy, because I didn't have time to run today, I didn't shower this morning. And I have not shaved.
I believe in God, but sometimes I am frustrated with him. Sometimes I think he gave me good looks, because he gave me poor mental health.
Good night
Justin
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1 comment:
Hi Justin I was trying to blog on this one earlier a few times today but i was having problems getting the comment to post. Justin I have to say I really like this one because you aren't affraid to come out and tell others about yourself and thats good I think that the more people who know well the more comfortabe with yourself you will be. Iam the same way iam not affraid to tell others about myself my autism and my struggles when I give others a little heads up it tends to relax me a lot And I understand your needing for reassurance from others because iam that way also iam obsessed with cleanliness and my hygene I want to be clean around others and even though i don't obsess much about this issue it's mostly me worring about what others are thinking or saying about me and this can drive me insane at times I tend to ask others about what they think of me but theres certain situations where it dosen't phase me at all. I am trying to work on this with all my might but is very hard at times now when i get comfortable around a certain group of people and i start seeing those same people over and over well i tend to loose the thought of what they might be thinking about me it's just when i get introduced into a new crowd or group of people And as far as your sexuality goes I understand you with this issue it's hard to accept things that we know arent right or normal and i am that way when it comes to accepting the fact that iam autistic and will be for the rest of my life and i know that this is hard because i look at all the normal people in society and i am always trying to compare myself to them yes i do normal things like walk go to the movies bowling bike riding and what not but this cloud still hangs over my head and I am sometimes affraid that i might make a mistake that will make someone think man somthings wrong with him I know that these issues are hard for the both of us but I tend to think that in time they will slowely go away and they will with the help of other good hearted people Well justin you have a friend in me as i do you so you can chat with me anytime. Well my friend I need to go and get some sleep it's after 2 in the morning here in missouri so i'll be intouch with you later on today sometime I sent you an email also. Take care and have a great day Your friend Shawn
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