12/14/07 Working-Ocd/Depression

I know this is a tad choppy, because I have not updated for a few weeks. But if you read my blog often, you will get where I am coming from.


Hi There:

Well I finished my second week of work, but am still struggling a lot. I hope things get easier. It seems like I am hanging onto everyones words and then I ruminate about it all day. No one knows I ruminate or hang on(i mean coworkers), but me.

I mean most of the people/clients at the nursing home have mild deminta, but some you can barely notice. It seems like I worry what everyone says and I am driving myself crazy. co-workers and patients comments. Like yesterday one of the eldery patients talked about people who are phony. I automatically thought it was about me. So for 6 hours I worried if I was a phony. I guess If I am going to worry for 6 hours if I am a phony, I am probably not.

The thing is if you saw me in action. I seem very happy go lucky, good natured and smile, but I am having a hard time struggling in my own head. Like today 2 of the patients commented about a man at the center who doesn't smile, well I thought to myself there are some male clients, but only one other male staff member. So I assume the not smiling person is me, when it fact I do smile, even one of the ladies husbands mentioned he liked that my smile, and told me to keep smiling and the women who commented on the person who doesn't smile has mentioned in the past that I am a nice guy, cute and sweet(its hard for me to write those words, because I do not know for sure and I discredit some of this because she suffers from demita)



But my OCD overtakes at some level, because I do not like the sound of my voice(I have mentioned this several times here) and even though I am pretty talkative and have a nice personality I keep thinking maybe I do not talk enough and maybe they do not see me smiling or I do not smile or do not smile as much as I could b/c of this(this is the part that really upsets me)

I know I am doing this to myself and I am driving myself insane. I see my doc and we are looking into different meds.

Then I told a few people close to me(relatives/friends) about the smiling worry and they said do you smile at work? and I said yes. I mean they do not see me and work, so its a fair question. But then sometimes I ponder maybe I do not smile enough. One of my relatives, just responded Oy, Justin.

Then I come home and run 7 miles each day, and at this point I am sick of running, but now I am seeing I am almost ill without it, because everytime someone tells me I am cute, I feel like they are enablers, because to me its like saying Justin DO NOT LET YOURSELF GO or get out of shape, because then you will have less appeal.

What is sad about all of this is deep inside I know the client and staff likes me for the most part. And they have made me well aware how much they like me. Like they have said the patients love you, you are wonderful, you are cute etc. But it only counts if certain people at the center say it, if not I dismiss it. But nearly almost everyone has said it, but a few coworkers have not. Also one coworker doesn't seem to care for me. So at lunch I start crying in my car(I know I am pathetic) Another reason I run outside is because sometimes I feel like I get too obsessive(when I really was not) on relatives when I mentioned the smiling bit to them, so I am now consumed people may only like me, because of my appearance and other then they find me annoying. If my appearance fades then I people will not like me at all.

Like if you talked to the people at work and the patients and I mentioned this(which I would never do), they would wonder probably what the hell am I talking about. I think they would see me as kind, nice, someone who laughs and yes smiles.

I need to probably relax, because at the rate crows feet are not far off. As I write this I can almost see the comedy in it, but I am still torturing myself.

I feel like a need a hug, but maybe I will dismss the hugs if they are not from the right people(I am not even sure if I am kidding when I write this)

Justin