11/18/07 "MY FACE"

Hey Guys:

Yesterday, My dad called me and asked me if I would help him with a favor. I told him no problem.

Then most of the day I spent with him. He took me to lunch and we actually had a good time. At lunch he was actually very supportive for the most part and he said Justin, you are my current work-in-progress, I think he understands my struggles and told me its just taking me a little longer to get where I want to be, but eventually I will get there, and have the last laugh. I think he is right.

I realize I torture myself about everything and do need to, but still do anyways. I think part of the reason I do is because even though I was hospitalized over 3+ years I have set up my own stigma that I always have to have some sort of OCD and be constantly worrying. When I do not worry I panic. Most people just panic when they worry.

I guess one thing I am worried/obsessing about and one thing I am starting to panic about is after some intense talking about life and jobs early in the week with my father. I have been starting to question myself about everything. I mean everything.

I think my dad sometimes forgets my life is just that, my life. He wants to create my interest, hobbies, personality, career, ettituqte(he corrects everyone this, but he would be the first person to give you a dutch oven) So in return, I keep asking myself questions. I am an avid runner/jogger. Now I keep debating if the time that I go running would be a suitable time that my dad would like?? I just created a myspace page, and I emailed one of the lesser known courtroom judges(David Young) & also asked him to be my friend. His personality is a little snarky, so I emailed him and told him I like his snarky style, & added a smiley face. I keep thinking would my dad think its suitable, because I guess calling someone snarky could be a little mean spirited, but Judge Judy is quite snarky :-)

I have been talking to my therapist about this and we were talking about being assertive and how important it is.

I dunno. I am getting worried. My obsession about worrying that everyone is going to scream at me, is coming back. I went into my therapy session yesterday and told my therapist how earlier in the session I wanted to ask him for a kleenex, but told him I would not, because I thought he might might yell at me. When I told him this, he was even taken aback. I could tell he was empathic, but he was like "what?" Sometimes I am frightened to say hello to someone or ask them what time it is, because I think they may yell/scream.

Sometimes I wonder how I am able to to run 7 days a week, usually 7 miles a day. I am starting to get it now. I always have a plate of anxiety in me, it really does not go away when I run. Sadly, I am somewhat vain, I feel like if my appearance fades, no one will have any interest in me. In truth, I do not share my OCD with friends much & I know and my personality is more of a strong point then my appearance.

I keep trying to create a "perfect personality" but I keep failing. Wonder why??(No such thing) I am what I am. I friend of mine said Martha Stewart seems PERFECT. I said really?? She has been to jail, she is difficult, and had a failed marriage(even if it wasn't her fault) So she makes a great stawberry shortcake who gives a FUCK??

I think its okay to go with the flow, like if a bunch of friends want to go see a movie you do not want to go to, but I seem to agree with people on things that is an okay to a different opinion on. Like opinions. I REALLY need to work on this.

I also have talked a little to my doc about this, but I have something that I call "risdual OCD" my therapist asked me if this is aactual term, I said I do not know. I will explain later how it affects me.

On a funny note, I sent my dad my, my space page. When I saw him later in the day he told me he thought it was cool. Probably because I put him as my hero.

But as he was talking to me about my space. He kept referring into as MYFACE in a serious tone(roll eyes)



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Justin