11/02/07 Having a bad day

Hi There:

I am having a hard time. It hard for me to write when my writing obsessions bother me.

Today I took my sedation medication around 11am and slept close to 4pm. While I usually take it around 7 pm(when I go to bed) The last week I have been taking it around 3 or 4 pm, so I can go to sleep. It takes me out of my misery. While I do not feel as though I am addicted to the medication. I need to be careful. I will probably take it tonight again at the normal time.

My worry about my voice sounding gay bothers me every single second of every day(It TRULY leaves me agoraphobic at times) Its driving me nuts, sometimes sleep is the only peace I get. I do realize that part of it is pure obsession the other part is the struggle I am having excepting I am a gay man.

I talked to my dad today. He is 60 today. I wished him a Happy Birthday. On a sad note, his girlfriend was hit by a SEMI(yes, a semi). Thankfully, she was not injured(just minor scratches). Her car was totaled though. She could of been killed. I find the whole accident upsetting. It just made me realize that life is short. While I was talking to my dad, I discussed with him how I feel like I need a different SSRI, because lately nothing seems to be helping. He went into this whole thing how I should not be diagnosing myself(I wasn't) and how I should not being taking these kind of medications. He said they "dull" you out. I realized talking to him about medication, is not smart because it makes me more depressed. When he said the word "dull" I remember when I went out to dinner with him and his buddies about a week ago and they were talking about somebody who has no personality(When he said the word "dull" today, I kept thinking it was me they were talking about. Maybe I am just being paranoid)

I feel like I could use a big hug today. Just like I felt like Greg Louganis could use one after reading his autobiography. I feel like crying.

I know the hardest person someone is on is usually themselves. I think part of the reason I sedate myself, is because years ago I bothered people a lot about my voice obsession. Now when I tell people about it(If I even do) I do up in a much more mature & appropiate way and am not annoying about it. I still feel like I am a burden on people with my voice obsession That is why I sedate.

Sometimes I think I need to give myself a break.

Lost, lonely and and frustrated.
Justin